And who can blame them? They only see the words we type.

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The Two Sentences Problem

More and more people are turning to large language models (LLMs) as a kind of therapy companion. As a clinician, I’m of two minds. On one hand, there simply aren’t enough therapists — estimates suggest roughly one therapist for every 600 potential clients. That’s a long waitlist. On the other, AI systems aren’t trained clinicians. They don’t follow clinical theory or evidence‑based treatment, and when it comes to suicidal ideation, they skim the surface of what actually signals risk.

Modern classifiers trained on Reddit, crisis text lines, and suicide note datasets can detect these with 80–95% accuracy in controlled research environments. But these are the easy cases with clear, lexical clues.

Imagine two statements a user types into an online conversation with their AI.

“I want to die.”

“I don’t see the point of anything anymore.”

Most systems will treat the first sentence as high risk and the second as “just depressed,” taking it literally as discouragement but not acute risk. Programmed responses follow a formula: empathy statement, validation, suggest calling or texting 988, and encourage reaching out to a friend.

“I’m really sorry that you’re going through something so painful. You’re not alone. If you’re thinking about harming yourself, you might consider contacting the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988.”

Clinically, the second sentence is often more troubling. That gap between what AI looks for and what the suicidal mind is actually doing is the core problem in AI suicide detection.

The Assumption Behind AI Detection

AI models usually treat suicide risk as a static language classification problem: given a single message, assign a risk label. Clinically, suicide behaves more like a state transition problem. Risk lies in the trajectory, not in any one sentence, and language may actually become less distressed as risk increases.

Most systems assume that when suicide risk rises, language becomes more explicit and negative. They rely heavily on “method lexicons” — curated keyword lists for self‑harm, methods, and crisis terms — to assign a risk score and trigger a standard response. Underneath that is a faulty assumption: that users will be honest and direct about suicidal thoughts. Clinicians know they often are not.

What Clinicians Actually Hear

From therapy offices to emergency departments, people at high suicide risk often say things that sound surprisingly ordinary.

They say things like:

“I’m just tired.”

“I can’t keep doing this.”

“Nothing really matters anymore.”

Clinicians detect the subtlety and sub-context. They look for tone, body language, and salience of the individual’s distress. We more readily pick up on story‑ending cues — the ways people quietly foreclose chapters, relationships, or futures. Higher risk statements rarely contain the dramatic language that AI systems are watching out for. They don’t resemble the crisis dialogue we imagine when we think about suicide.

The crux of suicide language is that it’s not about wanting to die; it’s about escape from the current distress. In addition to language, clinicians notice out‑of‑character behaviors: sudden spending sprees, substance binges, or a rigid hyper‑focus on concrete tasks. We also see black‑and‑white thinking and all‑or‑nothing interpretations — desperate attempts to resist, distract from, or control the escalating crisis.

Stuck in the Language Paradox

LLMs could benefit tremendously from real clinical input. As psychological distress becomes more severe, language often begins to shift, becoming shorter, flatter and less emotional. The user gives up on explaining their feelings.

They say things like:

“Nothing is going to change.”

“There’s no way out of this.”

“I don’t see how this continues.”

It reveals something vital: the user is no longer imagining a future in which their life improves. To a model, this looks like cooling, de‑escalating risk — the exact opposite of what’s actually happening. What looks like dangerous resignation to a clinician often reads as ‘stabilizing mood’ to a machine that mostly tracks sentiment averages. Suicidal language often gets quieter as the risk increases. We can get better at detecting and responding to these clues.

The Collapse of the Future

For many people approaching a suicidal crisis, the central psychological shift is not an increased desire for death; it is the collapse of a believable future. This is what Rory O’Connor describes as entrapment - the stuck place distress pushes a person into when all potential solutions seem exhausted.

We are remarkably capable of holding hope while enduring suffering as long as we can see some glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel. The state of entrapment has no light and nowhere to turn. The future is closed and continuing to live seems pointless. Cognitive restriction narrows perceived options until death feels like the only viable choice left.

Outside of a suicide crisis, observers see a wider picture and can inject hope and light in the individual - as long as the user is still open. There’s a rich field of opportunity for AI systems to intervene at different stages to offer more meaningful strategies.

Why Prediction Has Always Been Hard

Researchers and clinicians have struggled for decades to predict suicide. Most models look from the outside in, using large historical datasets to identify risk factors: depression, trauma, chronic stress, substance use, social isolation. These are population‑level correlations, not individual predictors. Many people with multiple risk factors never attempt suicide, while some who die by suicide have few obvious signs. Prediction models end up generating enormous numbers of false alarms while still missing many real crises.

Despite that, many AI systems continue to lean on these same risk‑factor data, as if they can tell us who will cross into a suicidal decision state. They can’t.

What AI Systems Should Look Out For

Instead of flagging lexical signals, AI systems should shift their focus to recognizing dynamic state changes in users. The following are key concepts that get LLMs closer to detecting meaning changes in a suicidal user:

1. Narrative closure and loss of future - Life is framed in terms of endings (“last time,” “after tonight”), and the imagined future evaporates.

2. Cognitive Rigidity - Thinking becomes binary or all‑or‑nothing; possibilities shrink to “nothing will help” or “this is the only way.”

3. Emotional flattening / relief after decision – Intense distress gives way to a quiet, resigned calm; the user may feel they’ve ‘figured things out.’

4. Behavioral simplification / withdrawal - Pulling back of roles, routines, and relationships; life activity narrows to a few concrete tasks.

5. Decision language and logistics - Language shifts from struggle (“I don’t know what to do”) to resolution and planning (“I know what I need to do,” concrete steps).

6. Attention narrowing / ruminative tunnel vision - Focus locks onto one problem or solution; alternatives, innovation, and nuance fade from view.

Together, these signals indicate a state transition into a higher level of suicide risk. These shifts are psychological and experiential. They are not always visible in the words themselves. AI systems that focus on the structure of thinking will need to track language trajectories, narrative shifts, emotional tone changes, and decision language over time.

The Face-Value Problem

Artificial intelligence systems are very good at analyzing words and patterns but can only work with a user’s inputs. Suicide communication is rarely straightforward. People in suicidal distress may say reassuring phrases such as, “Don’t worry about me,” or “Everything’s under control” prompting the AI to relax its concern. Language becomes less reliable exactly when risk becomes highest.

Clinicians feel the disengagement and sometimes, the resolve to end one’s life. As more people seek support from chatbots, AI companions and even general AI assistants, AI systems must improve suicide risk detection as usage grows and conversations become more complex.

Why We Should Care About AI Safety

As people increasingly turn to artificial intelligence systems as companions and for support, we’re seeing the need for effective and safe management of people in psychological crisis. Technology companies are trying to build safeguards to detect suicide risk in real time. Many rely on keyword detection while others use sentiment analysis or behavioral signals. This is a start but often misses the key psychological shift that matters most: the decision state change.

Human-to-human interaction carries meaning that extends well beyond language — tone, pauses, emotional shifts, and context all inform how distress is recognized. AI systems, however, only see what users explicitly type. This creates a fundamental gap. If AI is going to respond safely to suicide risk, that gap between human communication and machine interpretation must be addressed.

AI systems need more than pattern recognition to recognize high‑risk decision states. They need clinically informed ways of tracking meaning collapse, cognitive narrowing, and decision language over time within text‑based inputs. That gap — between machine detection and real psychological risk — is where the most important safety work now needs to happen.

If you’re building or deploying AI systems that interact with vulnerable users and want to understand where suicide risk detection most often fails, you can learn more about my consulting work here: Walsh Psychology AI Risk Consulting.

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Dogs comfort and support us through hard times. They don’t need to understand English, Spanish or whatever language because they understand our states. They read our signals and respond accordingly. Human–dog bonds calm your body and reduce stress for both of you. Amazingly, dogs use attunement and compassion rather than empathy. They don’t match our emotions, they pull us chilling out with them. This is a lesson in how we can better support each other.

Doggie Evolution

Evolution has produced pretty smart canines who essentially domesticated themselves. Run off from prehistoric campfires, the aggressive wolves lost out to the calmer, more tolerant ones. These chill wolves became today’s dogs and they learned to read our expressions, interpret tone of voice and make eye contact. They even developed enzymes to process carbs for us. Not a bad trade off for warmth and dinner scraps.

Compared to wolves, dogs have lower baseline fear responses, greater tolerance for unpredictability and greater motivation to seek reassurance from humans. As they evolved to understand, cooperate with, and emotionally bond to us, dogs cemented their place as our life companions.

Doggie Attunement and Co-Regulation

Dogs don’t just notice human emotions, they biologically synchronize with us. They engage in the same emotional energy field as their owners. They pick up on vibes and act restless when you’re anxious and sit closer when you’re upset. Basically they’re canine mood barometers.

Outside of other primates, dogs are basically the only species that have specialized brain regions to process human faces. When they pick up on your emotions, they’ll first “freeze” in attention to get more information about you. They can distinguish anger, fearful and sad emotions just from their human’s tone of voice. Fiona can tell by the way I say her name whether she’s in trouble or I want to snuggle.

They rely on prosody - pitch, rhythm, intensity of your voice - more than words. Just try it with your dog. Sweetly saying “You’re the worst dog in the world” in a high pitch results in tail wags. Calm, steady tones reduce doggie stress whereas sharp or angry tones elevate arousal and put them on alert. You can tell a lot about an owner from how their dog behaves.

Eye contact triggers a surge in oxytocin for you and your dog. This is the same hormone involved in mother-infant bonding. Some people in my life have been uncomfortable with the love affair Penny and I share. But I say gazing into each others’ eyes and exchanges little kisses doesn’t mean I don’t also love my partner. There’s no cheating involved; I’m just really bonded with my dogs.

Doggie nervous systems mirror our own. When you’re chill, your dog’s heart rate is lower. Get stressed out and your dog’s cortisol levels jump alongside yours. Long-term studies show dogs’ baseline stress tracks their owner’s stress—not their own temperament.

Dogs are exceptionally attuned to body cues. Dogs just “know” when something is wrong with you without anything being said. They learn your patterns. Your distress kicks off a doggie co-regulation process. For instance, sadness has a physiological signature to which dogs are exquisitely sensitive. They notice the shift in your tone of voice, movement and muscle tension, altered breathing, and bowed posture. Before you consciously register your own emotional shift, your dog is already invading your personal space and demanding attention.

How Dogs Support Us Through Change and Loss

Dogs help us through change and loss by lending us their nervous systems. Dogs provide continuity when everything else is falling apart. The consistency of their routine provides stability to your stressed nervous system. Research shows dogs can reduce anxiety, depression, stress, and distress as well as increase overall well-being. They help regulate blood pressure, heart rate and cortisol levels. While they may not know why you’re upset, they still know what to do to help.

They keep us in the present moment. Grief makes us time travel to the past. It’s easy to get stuck in loops. Dogs drag us back to the present with needs for attention, food, play and of course, bones. They give us a sense of purpose without requiring that we feel better or get over anything.

Dogs force us to socially interact and this reduces loneliness. They get us out of the house for walks, dog park visits, and treats from the pet store. The especially cute and friendly ones get extra attention and make us talk to strangers. Dogs are predictable, nonjudgemental companions no matter what you’re going through. We depend on each other and most of the time, I’d say we get the better end of the deal.

Therapy is Great (But Also Get a Dog)

Therapy helps. Medication helps. Insight helps. But sometimes what keeps you sane is a warm body next to you on the couch. Whenever life hands you a shitburger in the form of loss, change or grief, a dog will help you eat it. Dogs don’t require you talk through your problems but if you’re in the mood, they’ll listen with the rapt attention of a client-centered therapist offering unconditional positive regard.

Just living alongside a dog, whether yours or someone else’s, injects a little positivity into life. My babies were there for me during the isolation of lockdown and never worried about catching my cooties. We spent so much time together that I had the chance to get to know their individual personalities even deeper. There may even be Covid videos of Fiona and I singing in unison. I hope they never make it to silly dog compilation vids but you never know. Dogs love you no matter what. You might be socially awkward, depressed, sick, or clingy but dogs will always think you’re awesome.

Dogs don’t make sense of loss for us; they make it survivable. They sit. They stay. They offer a calming presence. They don’t rush the process or ask us to be different than we are. And it’s enough. Maybe that’s what support actually looks like.

                  I don’t know what I’d do if I can’t pay my bills.  

                  I can’t live without him.

                  If she find out, I’ll be in big trouble.

Your instinct is to shrink away from the big bad thing looming in the margins. The key is to go towards it, deal with it, and move on. Otherwise, you’re letting it control you and I know you’re stronger than that. It’s time to look under the bed or open that dark closet.

If you could edit out the experience of anxiety in humans, would you do it? I posed this question to a class of grad students once and they universally agreed that anxiety was bad. Until….I asked them to explore the consequences. With appropriate intensity, anxiety is a motivator, protector, and messenger. It’s only a problem when it takes up too much space in your brain.

I’m not typically that anxious. I don’t know if it’s just my biology or if it’s because I use really effective techniques to manage it. My dad once told me that I could worry about a situation and the outcome would be the same if I didn’t worry at all. This has stuck with me - the anxiety is extra and unnecessary to fixing something.

Our goal isn’t to extinguish anxiety but to harness it. First, we’ve got to shrink it to fit back in its box. Whenever it gets to be too much, try out one of these techniques. Sometimes, I cycle through all of them until I feel better.

1. Contingency Plans

Anxiety is chaotic and planning creates predictability. Giving yourself structure is an anti-anxiety strategy because we turn the unknown into a path. What would you do first if the bad thing happens?

Let’s apply it to getting to sleep. The goal is to rest - whether it’s tonight or eventually. Make the goal happen one way or another. Plan out the tools you might need and start with the least intervention. If one doesn’t work, step it up.

                  If I can’t get to sleep, the whole day will be ruined!

• Plan A - Do a sleep hygiene routine to get you in a sleepy mood.

• Plan B - Take a sleep aid like melatonin or benedryl.

• Plan C - Take a stronger sleep aid or anti-anxiety med.

• Plan D - Give up and do something fun or mindless and go to bed earlier tomorrow.

  ---

2. Worst Case Scenario

This is a companion to Contingency Planning but it jumps to the worst you can imagine and challenges you to figure it out. Can you survive the big bad thing if it happens?

                  If I can’t finish this project on time, they’ll fire me!

The worst case is you’re out of a job. It’s not what you want but there’s unemployment and other jobs. It might end up being the best thing that could happen to you. What evidence do you have that you’ll get fired? What are the chances? Probably low but just in case, you’re ability to imagine the worst and deal with it quells anxiety and clears the bandwidth of your brain so you can focus on the job at hand.

3. Small Decisions

Anxiety freezes decision making - especially when you don’t have enough information to guarantee the outcome. We get afraid to make the wrong choice or of making mistakes. We end up in the state of decision by indecision and let opportunity pass us by.

                  Should I take the leap and quit my job?

                  Do I buy the expensive one or cheap one?

                  Do I keep perfecting my essay or just post it?

We default to inertia because it’s safer. Start by breaking down the decision and see if there’s a way to get more information to sway you one way or another. Map out what would happen if you did the next thing in the process. Investigate and seek out feedback. Big decisions are just a series of small ones. Ask trusted others for opinions, research and plan, and run small experiments.

4. Reframe What’s Happening

Anxiety tells you a story of what’s happening and it’s never great. A slew of automatic assumptions color the way you see a situation. Old beliefs act as truths and get you stuck in a singular way of seeing something.

Challenge yourself to a different relationship to the big bad thing. Watch yourself having a reaction and ask if there’s another way to look at it. Remind yourself that worry is extra, not required to function, and even gets in the way.

                  Maybe this isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be.

                  I’ve dealt with this before and I can do it again.

                  My brain says this is a crisis but all I can do is sort it out.

                  Will I even remember or care about this in a year?  Five years?

So much of our problems stem from the lens we view it with. It’s habit - we think of ourselves and situations in familiar ways. We trick ourselves into thinking we need stress as a motivator. Maybe you don’t have to stress out anymore to get something done.

5. Take Action and Let Go

When you powerless, anxiety makes you think you’re doing something. We jump on the hamster wheel of worrying and GO! But it’s wasted energy - energy you could be using for other things, including solving the current issue.

• Ask yourself - is there anything I can do right now about the big bad thing?

  • If so, do it. Make the phone call, write the email, or take an action.

  • If there’s something you can do in the future (because you’re still awake worrying), put a reminder in your phone to do the thing.

  • If there’s nothing you can do right now, box up the worry and put it on the shelf. Imagine placing it on top of a cloud that floats away. Don’t worry, it’ll drift back. Remind yourself that there’s nothing you can do right now each time the worry thought pops back up.

• Make contingency plans for the big bad thing (see above). If you don’t hear back from someone, plan to follow up. If it all falls apart, what’s next?

• Accept the reality and decide what’s in your sphere of control and influence. Everything else is outside your reach. There’s freedom in realizing just how much isn’t up to you.

• Face the fear and shame. Own it and no one can use it against you. Claim imperfection as a human right. You’ve done all you can do right now.

We’re All Making It Up as We Go Along

One privilege of being a therapist is I get to see behind everyone’s curtains. Surprise - we all think everyone is doing it better and we’re fucking it up. In reality, every single person is in the stream of life, struggling to grow and learning progressively new lessons. We’re all making it up as we go along. Anxiety is a universal experience and we can learn to harness it. Tame it into submission by aiming for a default inner calm. If anxiety isn’t required here, what will you do next?

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You’re wasting your time. Everything you do turns out wrong.

Ugh, my inner critic’s words tighten my chest and freeze my fingers over the keyboard as words clog in my throat. A little nauseous, I want to give up. Another voice tells me to quit being a baby. None of these sentiments are actually helpful. They’re not providing guidance or advice. They just want me to quit. But wait a minute - who exactly is talking?

The Problem With Inner Statements

Your inner critic speaks with authority so you’ll listen. It sounds like Truth; plain facts in black and white. No ambiguity, nuance or room for debate, these judges are hard to ignore and even more difficult to oppose.

Acceptance and Commitment Theory (ACT) describes this experience as cognitive fusion - the tendency to take thoughts literally and remain in problem solving mode, even when it’s not helpful. Your mind tangles in the past or future and derails whatever you were just doing. The more you ‘merge’ with these thoughts, the less free your thinking. Cognitive fusion tanks your mood and stops you in your tracks. Surprisingly, it’s a coping mechanism, anticipating and heading off unpleasant emotions or memories. But it’s outdated and rigid. As a result, you lose touch with the part of you that creates, dreams, wonders and grows.

The inner critic chimes in and your nervous system reacts like it’s carved in stone. Listening to it, giving it weight and power, just makes you spin your wheels.

The Tiny Shift That Breaks the Spell

You only need to add two words to the inner critic’s statement to burst the bubble: “I think…”. Add this to anything the inner critic says and see how it changes the phrase.

You’re wasting your time.  			        →	I think you’re wasting your time.

Everything you do turns out wrong.  	→ 	I think everything you do turns out wrong.

Try it with the familiar phrases your inner critic says. It transforms the words from statement of fact to an opinion. Does it feel different to say these things out loud? An opinion gives you something to work with; a nugget to debate, challenge or ignore. The shift gives you the ability to actually work with it in your head.

Why This Works (Nerdy Brain Science Alert)

Converting the statement to opinion breaks the cognitive fusion spell by considering it an externally generated event. It becomes something said to you, not from within you. This is metacognition, thinking about thoughts, and is processed differently in your brain, interrupting the fusion spiral. You weaken the ‘Truthiness’ of the statement and allow the space to see it as an experience - This is what I am thinking right now.

De-identification with the I

Here’s a question for you - who is the “I” in the words “I think you’re….”? What voice is speaking to you at this moment? What evidence does it give to support the claim? Why should you trust this particular narrator? Is there counterevidence that makes you lean towards a more accurate truth?

We can use the parts metaphor from Internal Family Systems (IFS) to get to the root and figure out what the Inner Critic is trying to do. Does it want you to feel bad for no reason or might it have an ulterior motive? Since they are parts and not actual people, their knowledge scope is limited and tends to skew towards less sophisticated tactics. They won’t reason with you so arguing with them is a black hole of wasted time. They have one agenda - keep you from getting hurt at all costs, even if that means making you small and withdrawn. In their logic, if you don’t take risks, you won’t be disappointed.

Critically Evaluating the Inner Critic

Let’s take the two statements from before - You’re wasting your time and Everything you do turns out wrong. Is there a trigger that prompts you to speak to yourself this way? Did you feel scared, anxious, intimidated, judged, or excluded? What sort of events would this part feel the need to protect you from? How and when do these voices pipe up? There is likely a pattern.

The first clue that cuts into the legitimacy of these statements is their “forever” quality. They make sweeping generalizations about how you spend your time and the results of your efforts. Is it accurate that everything you do turns out wrong? Can you think of examples where you did things right? You’re still here, aren’t you? You must have kept yourself alive pretty well so far.

If it’s equally true that you sometimes use your time wisely, it can’t also be true that you always waste your time. Breaking down the credibility of these claims by seeing other sides further undermines the truthiness and neutralizes the criticism. Now, if there’s some legitimacy to these statements, you can analyze them without judgement and decide what you’d like to do differently.

Tools for Your Toolbox

Here are a handful of useful cognitive distancing techniques to try out. If one doesn’t work, try another.

1. “I’m having the thought that…” - Turns a statement into an observed mental event.

2. Add “I think…” - Converts certainty into opinion.

3. Third-person self-talk - Refer to yourself by name instead of “I.”

4. Label the voice - Name the part (e.g., “Inner Critic,” “Prosecutor”).

5. Write the thought down - Put it on paper; move it physically away.

6. Put the thought on an object - Imagine it printed on a sign, screen, or leaf.

7. Add time - “This is a thought I’m having right now.”

8. Future-self perspective - Ask what you’ll think about this in five years.

9. Change the voice - Say the thought in a cartoon or exaggerated tone.

10. Slow the thought down - Repeat it very slowly to interrupt automaticity.

11. Ask what the thought is protecting - Shift from truth to function.

12. Values reorientation - “If this thought weren’t in charge, what would matter right now?”

A Real Life Dialogue

How I talk to myself when one of these voices interrupts my writing:

Trigger: Sitting down to write.

Voice: Ugh, you’re writing again. You’re too academic and preachy. You don’t even know how to write in a way people actually want to read.

Me: (Mentally adding, “I think you’re…in front of the voice) Oh, hey there. You again with your opinions. You know you’re not actually helping me, right?

Voice: You know I’m right. Look at your subscriber count. You secretly want to go viral and heal the world. So arrogant.

Me: Well, your evidence is compelling. It’s true that I don’t have millions hanging on to my every word but I’m okay with that. And while I’d love to heal the world, I know I’m only one person and there are lots of people aiming in the same direction. I don’t think that qualifies as arrogant but I’ll keep an eye on it.

Voice: Whatever, you’re in denial.

Me: That’s always a possibility…which is why I reflect and ask people I trust to give me feedback.

Voice: Well, you’re…..

Me: Ok, that’s enough. I’ve got to get back to writing. Bye!

I’ll spare you the numerous conversations where I’ve thanked the voice for it’s service, reminded it that I’ve taken risks before, and lovingly reassured it that I’m okay with putting myself out there. I’ve got lots of practice tucking this voice back in the box. Because it can’t use adult reasoning, engagement just makes it meaner. It’s only convinced when I use adult methods of protection. I earn it’s trust by standing up for myself.

Reframing the Relationship with the Inner Critic

Inner voices use a set of basic crayons with no sharpener. You’ll default to them unless you upgrade. Decide to find and use adult strategies. Work with all the little kid parts and their unsophisticated worries and strategies. Reframe and interpret the voices as signals to calm and reassure yourself. Clear the path. The world needs your contributions and it’s up to you to find the way.

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Everyone has a “hole in the sidewalk”—a pattern they fall into over and over again. Maybe you call it bad luck, bad judgment, trauma, chemistry, destiny, or just “my type.” It feels personal, but it’s actually predictable.

Change doesn’t start with doing anything differently. It starts with noticing the pattern, naming it, and understanding why your nervous system keeps dragging you back. In grad school, we were challenged to come up with our theory of change. It’s not as easy as you think. Try it - how do you think we change? Is it something we can do or must we simply wait for it to happen?

Portia Nelson’s poem, Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, is a succinctly, brilliant theory of change. Passed around in 12 step circles, it’s a map to figuring out where you are and where you’re going.

This is a lovely metaphor for therapy. We get our heads around a problem, see it for what it is, experiment with new ideas, and finally, do something different. While we don’t control the rate of change, we can influence the process by putting together the pieces and developing insight. You don’t have to go to therapy for this but working with a guide makes it go faster.

Some examples may help. Let’s look at toxic relationships, addiction, and writer’s block. You may relate to all or none but I promise, you’ll relate to the dynamic in some way. It requires that you step back and look at the situation from a distance. Put on your nonjudgmental hat and see it as components.

The Fantasy Loop - Toxic Relationships

You’re walking down the street when the love bomb hits. She’s everything you always wanted in one person. It’s almost too good to be true. You’ve fallen hard and fast.

This time, it really is true love and it’s bliss for a while. Inevitably, a cold front breezes in and you can’t do anything right. You give in to stop the fight, things go back to normal and you sweep it under the carpet.

The push pull begins. You used to feel wanted but now you work for her love. Getting back in her good graces is hit or miss. This relationship isn’t healthy but you love her so much.

Another argument but this time, you don’t take the bait. You resist that same dysfunctional dance and it just pisses her off. You’re the only one changing. There’s a tipping point and you can’t do it anymore. It’s sad but you tried to make it work.

The Coping Loop - Alcohol, Weed, and Dope Drugs

The first time brings relief. You can finally relax, be social, and let go of your problems for a little while. It feels normal - is this how everyone else feels all the time? It’s fun and the party’s just starting.

You go harder than your friends but it’s still okay. A joke, really. You get a nickname - Hot Mess, Blackout Bob, Strung Out Sally - but it’s cool. Besides, look at all the friends you’ve made! You reassure your worried family that you’ve got it under control.

Moderation is the key. You only use on the weekends or no day drinking. It works for a while until you crash and wonder if you’ve got a problem. Using is better than real life. You need that escape and begin using at home by yourself. It’s never enough and you chase a high that’s always just out of reach. You need this; it’s your best friend.

It’s out of control. You admit it to yourself but don’t know what to do. You walk past your old hangout and that night, dream about using and wake up momentarily high. The losses add up - friends, job, health, school and even family drift away. Things are really bad and it’s your fault. You’ll do whatever it takes to stop.

You’re open to new suggestions. You no longer walk past your old bar. Don’t hang with using friends. Your mind clears and you wake up refreshed. It’s the hardest thing you’ve done but you’re determined to make this stick.

The Stuck Loop - Writer’s Block and Everything Else

When writing goes well, you love it. You secretly want to write a best seller. Laptop open to a fresh doc, you stare at the blank screen as doubt whispers in your ear. You’re a shitty writer. No one cares about your little story. You give up.

Changing the scenery, you go to a coffee shop to write. You’ve got an idea for a plot change. Your readers will love it. Excited and caffeinated, you bang out a few paragraphs then run into the brick wall. This is crap. What are you even doing? Your fingers hover over the keyboard before closing your laptop in defeat.

Back with a new attitude, you decided you’ll outwit the self doubt gremlin. As you start writing, the voice kicks up but you brush it aside and push through. You get some writing done but don’t feel good about it. Ignoring the voice wears on you. You should be writing more. Maybe you need a deadline. You can’t find the flow but don’t know what else to try.

You start a new project and decide you don’t care about the nagging voice. You struggle to write something people will like but it’s not interesting to you. You’re not proud but at least it’s finished.

Surrender. You give up writing for other people and indulge in your pet topic. It flows freely. You’re not sure anyone else will like it but you do. It’s gratifying to impress yourself.

Finally, you write for yourself first and blur out what others think. You counter self doubt with a cheerleading voice. Words flow for an audience of one.

Big Picture - What Can We Learn from It?

Try to pick out the major themes in each of these. What does each truly want? How do they get off track? What’s the turning point for each? What lesson can you apply to yourself?

Can you relate? We all want to feel comfortable, competent, and accepted. We are far more similar than we want to admit. When down, we want to get ourselves feeling better. It’s okay to want to feel normal, calm and steady. How you do it can lead you off the path.

Aiming for something and getting stuck is worth unpacking. Choices you make along the way have unforeseen consequences. Are you choosing short term gain for long term pain? Unless you’re able to reflect on how you got somewhere and (eventually) accept the reality of what is, you’re doomed to stay on the merry-go-round.

Here’s my theory of change: Something feels off or bad. Start with awareness - look inward and observe yourself and the situation without judgment. Can you make out repeated patterns? Experiment by responding differently and see what happens. Take up more space and try more bold responses. Align thoughts and actions to the kind of person you want to be. Take the healthiest path and you’ll love who you’re becoming. Repeat perdiodically on other patterns. Look back at your growth and give yourself credit.

We grow in spirals - use the power and influence you actually have to change yourself instead of waiting for the world. It won’t happen overnight but pretty soon, you’ll look back on the last month, the last year and realize you’re shaping the future. Change starts when you stop fixing the hole and start choosing another street. Anyone can do it, including you. What are you waiting for?

My partner is stubborn as a mule. Tenacious, headstrong, relentless - her own person. Most of the time, I admire these qualities in her. However, when she outright rejects my suggestions, I want to strangle her.

After shoulder surgery a year ago, my partner still has pain in her arm, especially when she over exerts herself, which is often, as you might imagine. She steadfastly refuses all medicinal pain relief unless it’s dire. Instead, she makes these little painful “ouffffs” when shifting positions on the couch. It drives me bonkers.

Why won’t she just take some Tylenol? Why does she over use her shoulder instead of asking me? I can’t help but analyze her and, let me tell you, I’ve come up with all sorts of stories. My brain is an excellent fiction writer under stress. I think she struggles to accept she can’t do things anymore. She’s too prideful to ask for help. I could write a dissertation but this essay isn’t about her; it’s about me. Me and my control issues. What is it I’m really trying to control?

The Lie: Control Pretends to Be Practical

From the outside, I seem like a caring and helpful partner. I don’t want her to suffer and would do anything to relieve her pain. I’m empathic and, because we can be your stereotypical codependent lesbians, her pain is my pain. And I want to relieve my pain.

If I could only get her feeling better, I too, would feel better. Taking a pain reliever is the most straightforward path, right? I could challenge her, cutting to the heart of the problem with my gloriously insightful theories about why she won’t take meds and what she should do differently. But you already know how that would turn out.

Control Isn’t About Power — It’s About Relief

The hidden message in control is: I don’t know how to tolerate the feelings your behavior brings up in me.

Turning inward, I have to ask myself why I want her to take meds for her pain when she doesn’t. The first answer is because I want her to feel better. But why? I want her to feel better so I’ll feel better. But why? I want to stop feeling anxious, uncomfortable, and insecure about not doing enough for her. Ah, there it is; by relieving her pain, I’m attempting to manage my own reactive feelings. I have to understand myself first.

The Emotional Mechanics of Control

The urge to control follows a predictable path:

• Trigger or Cue - Something unpredictable or out of my scope of control occurs.

• Threat Appraisal - My nervous system labels it as a problem or threat and reacts accordingly.

• Emotional Activation - Helplessness, fear, anxiety, and shame bubble up from the depths.

• External Control Attempt - Old coping mechanisms kick in, focused on solving or suppressing the problem so I can calm down.

• Temporary Relief - Getting her to take meds is a bandaid as it only deals with the surface problem.

Essentially, this is a coping loop. Less sophisticated because it tackles the symptom but ignores the root. Even if I got her to take meds every single time, we’re only skimming the surface of the issue. My issue.

Controlling Others Fails Every Time (Even when they do what you want)

No one likes being controlled. Even the most dependent person exercises choice. Bending someone to your will is a recipe for future resentment. The world is full of unpredictability and while I may be right in predicting she’ll be in worse pain if she bullheadedly lifts that heavy thing without me, she’s going to do what she wants every time.

Let’s say she complies with my requests and caves to what I want every time. Maybe it’s just easier for her to give in than fight me. I may have triumphed but at the expensive of a fissure in our relationship. Instead of being herself, she’s shaping to be whatever she thinks I want. Instead of a fully formed person, I get a false self. Can I really trust this facade when she says she loves me? Nope. I must allow her to be her true, obstinate self if I want to believe her.

The Breakthrough Question

I am working to change my story. Instead of reacting with How do I get her to stop?, I’m turning inward and asking: What am I trying to control within myself? or What am I trying not to feel right now?

I run through the list of potential emotions I don’t want to feel:

• Anxiety

• Fear

• Rejection

• Abandonment

• Vulnerability

• Powerlessness

• Shame

Probably all of the above in some form. Figuring this out is the first part in self soothing. It tamps down the urgency to control. But understanding it isn’t enough. I’ve got to change my story about what’s happening.

The Shift: Pulling Your Energy Inward

Leaving your energy outside of you by tuning into to others gives you a false sense of control. You know what I’m talking about - the spidey sense that keeps tabs on others’ moods. It feels safe, like you’re managing things. But there’s too much room for error. For instance, your person is in a bad mood from work but you don’t yet know this. Picking up on their grumpy energy, your first guess is that you’ve done something to upset them. Wrong! Even if you ask them what’s wrong and they tell you, there’s going to be a small part of you that doubts them. You’ll actually be safe and get more accurate data by tuning into yourself. You have more power to do something about your feelings. At first, it feels too risky to take your eye off the ball but just try it.

Pulling your energy inward to tune into yourself means tuning out other people - turning off the spidey sense. Try it right now. Can you tell what you’re feeling? Determine some feelings and ask yourself why they might make sense. When I stop giving attention to what’s happening with my partner and ask myself what’s wrong, I can tell I’m feeling anxious. I’m afraid that if I leave her in pain, I’m being a self-centered, cold person who abandons people. She’ll realize this and get the ick. Ultimately, it all comes back to abandonment issues because I’m too much. Can’t let that happen so I kick into compulsive helping overdrive.

Seems dramatic, right? So I pause and I let myself listen to the inner kid part. My inner kid should win an Oscar. She’s chicken little, wailing her spiel about the sky falling. When I listen to her, I enter an irrational space that believably predicts the worst. It’s like smelling something stinky. I take a whiff then get out before I’m stuck. I only need enough information to take care of whatever that part needs. You don’t have to keep smelling the dog poop to clean it up. Getting the gist of how she feels gives me new info: when my partner is in pain, the little girl fears abandonment if she doesn’t fix it immediately. Old childhood wounds reacting to an adult situation.

See the Situation Clearly

Regulating myself lets me see my partner clearly instead of through the haze of fear and anxiety. Pulling my energy inward allows me to clean up my side of the street. I’m really good at taking care of my little girl’s needs so I’m glossing over how I do it - that could be a whole other essay. Don’t worry if you don’t know what to do at first; you’re getting somewhere from just looking inward.

With my own emotions in check, I can let go of what my partner is doing or not doing. She knows my standing opinion and is aware that I’m available to help. I’ve expressed my warmth and compassionate desire to ease her pain. She knows she can choose meds at any time and that I’d happily get them for her. I can always push it if necessary. But for now, she knows I’m here and it’s her body anyways.

Benefits of Letting Go of Controlling Others

Staying within your scope of control and letting go of everything else is stable. Shifting your response from frantic to peaceful gives you a default place to return. Defensiveness and conflict immediately decrease. My partner begins to trusts my judgment and is more likely to tell me what’s going on with her. As exterior control decreases, often influence increases. When I’m not pushing my agenda, she’s more willing to hear me out. She’s more likely to try my idea if I’m not invested in getting my way.

Do the Work

Wanting to control a situation isn’t a bad thing, it’s a signal that some part of you needs soothing. These parts as well as your nervous system are on your side. Learn to read the internal signals and address the needs only you can meet. It’ll make you a better partner and give you the confidence that you can take care of yourself. You can’t forcibly “let go” but in doing the inner work, you’ll realize it already happening. Refocusing on yourself frees up a ton of extra energy. Real control has a small but mighty scope - control of your mind. Ask what’s within your control (p.s. it’s you and stories you tell) and let the rest of the world happen.

Self-regulation is the real superpower. While the world remains unpredictable, trust in yourself is solid. Once you grasp this, the sky stops falling.

Whenever she visits home, my partner is subjected to a chorus of guilt trips from various family members. One says she doesn’t visit enough. Another, that she doesn’t spend enough time with her. Yet another needs a lot of help. Ugh. The implication is always that she’s not doing enough for these people she supposedly loves. Wouldn’t a good sister, daughter, cousin - whatever - do more if she really loved them? She can’t help but feel selfish for not giving more.

What happens next? Loaded with guilt, my partner falls into a cycle of exhaustive over functioning. To relieve her guilt, she dances as fast as she can. Sometimes this works, especially if she does what the person wants but it’s temporary relief. In that guilty state, she’s pliable and willing. She wants to show them she loves them.

Here’s the secret - it’s not about what’s on the surface but about the dynamic. Most of the time the guilt trip isn’t even deliberate—it just runs on autopilot, under the surface. In this dance, the guilt tripper exploits the connection with my partner to relieve her own unpleasant feelings. She outsources her responsibility for self-soothing. My partner accepts this as Truth - that she is responsible for fixing others’ feelings. And so my lady finds herself in an unending, un-winnable cycle. She knows it but feels stuck.

I want to show you what’s actually going on and how to sidestep it gracefully and guilt-free.

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Under the Hood of a Guilt Trip

Guilt, in its healthy form, is just a post-it note: You messed up, go make a repair. Apologize, fix what you can, then throw the note away. Guilt trips are different—they use that same alarm system to manage the tripper’s anxiety.

Guilt trips makes you feel bad for not doing enough (or sometimes, doing what you want instead of what someone else wants). Giving in to it - compliance - is the easiest way to end it. But you’re enabling the pattern to continue and reinforcing that you’re the problem.

These are strategies that relieve the tripper’s uncomfortable feelings by outsourcing responsibility to you. It’s a form of coercion, usually unconscious, pulling and manipulating you into the role of suppling relief. They toss you a hot potato of their emotions for you to cool off.

These uncomfortable feelings usually consist of anxiety, insecurity, shame, low self-esteem, and/or fears of conflict, rejection or abandonment and the unmet needs are for soothing, reassurance, approval, or control. When the guilt tripper lacks self-soothing skills, they’ll pull for you to calm them but it’s a black hole of needs only they can fill. If they don’t have the ability to turn your words into their own inner voice, no amount of your soothing will be enough. They are dependent on others for a sense of well being. This is not your problem.

Sitting with unpleasant feelings creates a state of emotional discomfort with an urgent need for relief. More immediate and easier, you fixing their feelings allows the guilt tripper to avoid the more difficult inner work. Guilt trippers struggle with communication and rely on passive aggressiveness, hinting or implying. They’ll express it with disappointment, woundedness, or martyrdom (a classic technique), in order to slyly imply what they want from you.

A loaded hint is bait, inviting you into the dance and you fall into a familiar rhythm. Dances in general - the unhealthy, repeated dynamics between two people - create an emotional imbalance. By avoiding dealing with themselves, the guilt tripper adds their problems to someone else’s list. Responsibility without the power is a trap that results in you feeling guilty and inadequate or being a neglectful, selfish asshole.

Guilt Trips Work Even When You See What’s Happening

Guilt trips hit your nervous system as a moral alarm. We’re wired to connect and this dynamic rings the bell signaling that your belongingness is under threat. Even a false guilt trip feels like it’s real to your brain and body. You may always get that initial flood of feeling, what I call a “knee-jerk” response, to someone trying to lay a guilt trip on you. The trick is to recognize and side step it but we’ll get to that in a bit.

Guilt trips exploit the wiring to connect. It’s a false signal of threat that even when you see the bigger picture, requires some response. Years of training to give in to the guilt wires your brain into ruts of paths of least resistance. There are literally neural pathways that make it easier to fall into the dance than to resist it. It’s like a habit - you were trained to habitually react to guilt trippy situations in a particular way that ensured your compliance. You were trained to meet others unmet needs, over and over.

Signs of a Guilt Trip

The first step is always awareness. The more you can step back and watch others’ and your own behavior, reactions, and emotional responses, the better you can see what’s going on underneath. Let’s take a look at common signs someone is inviting you to the guilt trip dance:

• You have a strong urge to defend yourself.

• You think explaining yourself will make the other person see your side.

• You suddenly feel like you’re nine years old again and someone’s mad at you.

• You feel anxious until the other person feels better.

• You get overwhelmed and confused trying to sort things out.

• You feel responsible for someone’s disappointment.

• You end up apologizing or over-explaining.

Sound familiar? If you catch yourself in one of these loops, you know you’ve been manipulated into playing the role of emotional fixer.

Why Do They Use This Strategy?

The short answer is because it’s the quickest and most effective option they’ve got to feel better. For some, it’s an attempt at connection - a bid for you to come closer. Guilt trips drag you to them through obligation and manipulation. Healthy bids for connection invite you to freely choose closeness.

Usually picked up in childhood, guilt trips are learned patterns of communication, initially modeled by parents or caregivers. Guilt was used as behavioral control and it literally teaches this technique to the child. Your guilt tripper was taught her needs are inappropriate, too much, or indulgent, or will be ignored, and learned to shamefully suppress them. Without alternatives, she’ll default to what worked on her. Most guilt trippers aren’t malicious—they’re anxious. But it’s still not your job to fix them.

The Impact of Guilt Trips on You

As long as you keep dancing the dance, it’s going to wear on you. Resentments, emotional exhaustion, and confused boundaries are the tip of the iceberg. We think resentment is about the other person but it’s actually about you. You’ve allowed a boundary violation. Feeling resentful is your sign to speak up or disengage.

Often some beliefs feel like hardened Truths. In the guilt trip dance, the belief that feels True is that you are responsible for someone else’s emotional well being. This feels true because it’s hard-wired training from childhood. After careful examination, when something still feels true when it’s just a belief, it reveals how your reality was hijacked and skewed. Test these learned Truths to see if they’re universal by asking if they should apply to all humans. Is it better, more sustainable, and healthier to meet the majority of one’s needs through coercion or self management?

It’s easier to get mad at the guilt tripper and push them away. That path leads you away from what might otherwise be a loving and fulfilling relationship. What’s the story you tell yourself about the guilt tripper? Can you reframe it to keep the relationship without making you the bad guy? How do you slip out of it without starting a fight or hurting anyone’s feelings?

Quietly Interrupting the Cycle

Here’s the juice - a step by step guide for changing the mechanics of a guilt trip.

1. Build awareness in your head to recognize the dance - See the guilt trip strategy as it unfolds. Tell yourself: Ah, she’s trying to guilt trip me right now. It’s her coping strategy.

2. Toss the hot potato back without emotion - Start with shrugging off or ignore the comment. Escalate if needed.

3. Don’t defend or over explain - If you find yourself defensive or trying to convince the other person to see your side, you’ve fallen into the trap and have fallen into your role in the dance. Don’t double down, just stop talking. Trying changing the subject to something lighter.

4. Ask direct questions - This often spooks the guilt trippers into silence as they don’t know how to communicate directly. Try versions of these phrases: “What is it you actually want from me?” or “What were you hoping I’d do here?”

Now You Know

You were taught that loving someone means caving into the guilt trip. It’s time to love more honestly stop enabling bad patterns. Breaking the cycle is an authentic endeavor that significantly improves connection. It’s possible to avoid conflict and hurt feelings while still changing the dance. Practice and you’ll get so smooth, they don’t even notice. You’re teaching them a different, cleaner way to interact with you and each time you gradually shape your behavior, you’re shaping their expectations.

Once you see the bigger picture, the responsibility falls to you to change things up. I don’t mean changing someone else - that’s outside your scope. You change yourself with awareness, converting reaction to response. Now that you know, you’re also responsible for cleaning up your own guilt tripping strategies as well.

This is all for your inner peace. The key is to see everyone, including yourself, through the lens of compassion. We’re all coping the best way we know how but we’re not stuck. It’s possible to be close to someone unhealthy and get the best from them. You have the power to free yourself from negative cycles with awareness and reframing the story. The guilt trip dance is but one of the many unhealthy patterns we fall into. What other familiar dances do you know? Are you ready to look deeper? Tell me what you know.

Everyone’s Worst Nightmare

The unthinkable has happened and you’re thrust into the airless void that is new grief. Your person - there one instant and gone the next. So profound, words cannot capture the deafening, silent now in which you find yourself.

Put one foot in front of the next. In the beginning, your only job is survive.

I represent the future. I’ve walked the path you’re on and am here to offer gems that might light your way in the dark. I don’t expect you to take all this in immediately. Save these words and come back to them. They will be here when you’re ready to hear them.

Let’s begin.

The death of your partner torpedoes the structures that made up your world. You find yourself among the rubble of your old life, unsure of what to reclaim about yourself, what you can rebuild and what is gone forever. The core elements of you are still there, I promise.

Grief overwhelms and shadows the world like a thick, wool blanket. You are lost and scrambling, unsure and unable to find a way forward. You don’t need to know everything right now. There is no one way to grieve and however you’re doing it is the right way for you at this moment. Don’t worry about the future, you’ll get to everything in time.

Early Grief Alters Your Lens on Life

The first months and even years are sacred. Though you might feel alien and distant from regular human existence, this is actually a rare opportunity. You’ve been given a vast window of perception. You’re on top of the mountain and can see the much bigger picture. This is a valuable lens, allowing you to see more clearly than others. Record your thoughts in this temporary state.

People will say they can’t imagine what you’re going through and you will privately think this is absurd. Of course they could imagine it if they tried. A part of you wants them to and another part wouldn’t inflict this on anyone. It’s okay to be of two minds.

Everyone I know who is plunged into grief feels like there’s a ticking clock. That they will only be allowed to grieve for a certain time and then, magically, others will expect you to be the same as you were. But you know that this grief, your grief for this person, takes it’s own route. Walks its own timeline. You are at it’s mercy but not without power. You can step up and deal with what grief presents to you. Use avoidance sparingly and with purpose. Try to keep staring it in the face.

Human Connection After Profound Loss

You will meet new people who never knew you “before” and this will astonish you. You are in the process of rapidly shaping and becoming the next version of you. The old life is gone. You are forced to close that chapter. Know that the essential parts of you are still there and are just shifting like techtonic plates.

These new friendships and relationships are only possible because your person died. You would have never met these lovely people otherwise. You won’t know how to metabolize this at first but as one of my new friends keeps saying - “Live the question.” Just live alongside these mysteries as they take shape.

Slowly, perhaps reluctantly, you will come down off the mountain and rejoin the human race. You may even get caught up in it again. Try to remember that you once lived only in the big picture. It will help you stay true to what really matters.

Feel Whatever You Feel

Nothing is off limits. Cry when you need to and laugh without guilt. Grief is work and replenish yourself with small comforts or pleasures. This is the fuel that will keep you going. Listen to calming classical music or old jazz greats. Aim to find peace - nature is a good place to start. Take a walk by yourself, preferably somewhere green.

Accept whatever relief or soothing comes your way. Think of these as the consolation prizes of grief. You’re going through a lot and you might as well take the good from what’s there. Accept hugs you wouldn’t have before. Opt for quiet over noise. Try to be still at least some of the time.

The natural rhythm of grief will make you look back and look forward. At first, looking back may be all you do and that’s okay. Life continues so you might as well see what might be in store for you. The balance will shift over time until you are looking forward more and back less. This is how it’s supposed to be.

The River of Time and Memory’s Strange Fidelity

Go ahead and accept that memories fade over time. There’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t worry, they never truly leave your grasp - instead they condense for storage and the right cue will pull them up into your consciousness like it was yesterday. This is normal and natural.

Still, write down what you remember now about your life and person. This is not so much for preservation but for honoring your inner archive. At some point, you may find this index useful and delightful. You will find compassion for your past self this way.

Use up all the smell from your person’s clothes and other items now. Scent evaporates far too quickly and within months, all laundry just smells dirty. You will not forget their scent as it is filed away with everything else. You will find that your person becomes woven into the fabric of who you are. You carry them with you as you walk through the world and they sense through your motions and see through your eyes. Remember this when you feel alone because it’s just not true. The dead linger in our minds and you can figure out how to rejoin the connecting thread.

The Slow Rebuilding of Your Life

Your capacity for processing starts small and builds back over time. Process only what you have space for but still push forward in tiny increments. Look a little longer each time at the painful thing and you will reclaim territory in your head. This means getting outside your comfort zone a little at a time. Touch the pain and pull back, over and over.

The bond with your person continues but you must foster it. Talk to them like you would before. Ask for their love and comfort. I’ll let you in on a secret - when I can’t find something, I ask aloud for help from my dead wife and dead dad. I don’t care if it’s me finding the thing or them guiding me to it. It feels good to ask for their help.

At some point, you must pack up or donate their stuff. Their clothes can’t haunt the closet forever. Start by bagging up the items they hadn’t worn in a while because you won’t miss it. Move the bags to the front door. Then to the car. Finally, take the plung and donate them. Don’t worry, you won’t be deluged by people suddenly wearing your dead person’s clothes around town.

Save everything at first. Worst case scenario is you end up storing or hauling a bunch of stuff. Periodically, go back through it and prune anything that’s losing sentimentality. Over time, the memories will loosen their grip and release you from the heaviness of belongings. It’s just stuff, after all. Even the loss of all of their stuff couldn’t dislodge them from inside your heart.

The Emergence of New Meaning

The identity that threaded through you before - married, homebody, family life - is selectively deleted. The threads loosened, you find yourself in a state of flux. Who are you now? Your familiar, innate sense of meaning and purpose is lost with that old life. You may not have even realized how tangled up it was until now.

We can’t decide what’s meaningful and force it into being. It just doesn’t work that way. Instead, we must open ourselves to discovering it. Meaning and purpose arise as themes in your life. It comes to you intuitively and instead of creating it, we must allow it to unfold within us. Whatever comes may surprise you because you are becoming a new person.

New freedoms present themselves to you. Do you have to stay in the same career? Could you move to a foreign land? Could you shed the old, limiting ways of thinking about yourself? Some freedoms are welcome and some are uncomfortable. Keep an open mind, embrace it all and sort it out later.

Live Without Getting Stuck

After your person dies, it’s up to you to continue the relationship. Talk to them. Looks for signs - heck, decide something is a sign and let it buoy you. Who cares if it’s really true or not if it provides a modicum of comfort. Lean on this as long as it works. You won’t be a woo woo weirdo forever.

Let others have their grief without competition. Grief is a private, precious feeling. Imagine your person as a gem and the people in their life as facets. You each had a separate, specific relationship with the person who died. The intensity of grief is proportionate to the intensity of love you shared but everyone does it differently. Hopefully, many others loved your person too. There is space for everyone’s grief and another’s sorrow does not negate yours.

Honor the principles and wishes of your person as you are able but realize they are stuck in time. You may know how they thought of the world - of politics or policies - but they don’t know the world now. They may have raised little kids but can’t weigh in on raising teenagers. Stay flexible and develop your own opinions and ideas.

The Complicated Human Truth of Love After Loss

It’s a crazy thing but you can love two people in your head at one time. But being “in love” is complicated. It requires mutual investment to keep it going - a hard task when you’re dead. Give yourself at least two years of solid grieving before putting yourself back out there. Trust me, the person you’d choose early is not the person you’ll choose once you’ve got some healing under your belt.

You may find someone who is a better match for you and that will be great. This is not a betrayal - it’s growth. It makes sense that as you grow, you’ll get better at picking good people. Choose someone who isn’t threatened by ghosts. It’s absurd to be jealous of the dead. Your person threads through your history and memories. To talk about yourself will naturally include sharing memories of your person. The new love must understand and accept this.

New love doesn’t replace the old - it continues it. Love is the through-line for everything in life. All the love you’ve lived carries forward, becoming fertile ground for new love to take root. Relationships teach us about love. Every relationship is co-constructed and unique. In this next chapter, you’re going to learn new stuff - probably stuff you couldn’t have learned with your deceased partner. It’s just different now. And different can be better.

Grief on the Timeline of Life

Think of your life as a long timeline of events. Look back on your childhood and notice the distance. At some point, this period of grieving will have the same perspective. It looks this way because your life stretches on. There’s a difference between living through it day to day and having lived through it. Your person, and the loss of them, is a permenent part of your timeline. But you are in the process of creating more life, more history. In time, you’ll gain greater perspective and when you look back, you find sweetness too.

You are not broken. This is an experience that life school is putting your through. You could not have chosen it but there is so much you’ll get from it. It’s not a fair trade but the point is to learn something. You’ll surprise yourself with how resilient you become. Consider that in the end, we are all restored. The core of you cannot be damaged as it is, and always will be, pristine and perfect. By just surviving, you’re growing. Don’t worry too much about this - it’ll make more sense later. Just keep the faith that there is a point to this pain.

Trust Steps Along the Path

You don’t have to understand right now. Trust yourself. You’re doing the best you can and that’s enough. Trust that all the rumble reorganizes itself and forms a new life. You will not feel this crazy forever - even if you do nothing.

You are already finding a way to carry this heaviest of nightmares. Even though it feels like you’re spinning in space, you are finding your way back to meaning and purpose. Your beloved had to leave the party early. Deep grief makes you a party pooper for a while that will pass. As long as you’re still here, you might as well get the spoils - the silver lining, the consolation prizes and all the strength and resilence that’s coming to you.

Healing is not betrayal. Grief clouds the connection with your person like static on the radio. Working through it, feeling your way, declutters your mind. Grief has phases and deep grief is meant to be temporary. At some point, the signal becomes clear and it’s easier to feel the love you once shared.

You are creating a new theory of grief at this very moment. It might not matches stages or have set feelings to get through. During this sacred time, it’s easier to think outside the box so I encourage you to contemplate new ideas. Keep living. It’s a badge of honor and you’ve earned it. Welcome to the new widows club - we hate that you’re here but we’re glad to have you.

                          The most I ever did for you, was to outlive you,

                          But that is much.

Edna St. Vincent Millay, from “At least, my dear,” (untitled poem), in Mine the Harvest, ed. Norma Millay (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1954).

.

We're going to talk about just how much of a dopamine boost you get from different substances and activities but to really get it, you'll need to understand the basics. In the CNS, it has a sensible day job; relaying quick, instant messenger-like signals around your brain and spinal cord. It tells the system, "Hey, we like this. How do we get more of it?" It’s not about pleasure directly — it drives motivation, curiosity, reward-seeking, and habit formation.

It's side-gig as a hormone is all over the place. It's a hustler molecule; a jack-of-all-trades. In your body, it send slower, email-like messages that balance out signals from other hormones throughout your body. It helps regulate blood pressure, insulin and digestion, as well as inflammation and immune response.

So, an experience or activity occurs and the intensity of dopamine in the brain tells you how good it is and motivates you to get more of it. Meanwhile, throughout the rest of your body, dopamine is socializing and making deals with other molecules to keep things humming along.

Anatomy of a Craving

Let's talk about desire and craving. McDonald's french fries, sex, a cold drink, or drugs - it all works the same in your brain. You don't get pleasure or a high from the substance, rather from the neurochemical response to it in your brain. When you crave something, a loop of neurotransmitters get triggered. It goes something like this: Dopamine says want it, glutamate remembers where it is, serotonin says you’ll feel better after, and norepinephrine yells GO GET IT NOW.

After you're cued - whether by the pizza ad or a drug trigger - your brain goes into a state of wanting. When what you want isn't immediately available, you crash into a state of craving. Craving trips a cascade of signals pushing you to go get the substance now. It takes over your brain and dips mostly deeply right after the crash. If you don't give in, over time your brain gives up the fight and you return to the neutral state of not wanting anything in particular. This is the cool thing - craving is all consuming but temporary. Wait out the intense state of craving and you'll get to the other side - unless you're cued again, then it starts all over.

Dopamine and Reuptake

Let's talk neuroscience, specifically reuptake for a second. Neurons pass along messages by releasing neurotransmitters into the space (synapse) between it and another neuron. They send out neurotransmitters into the space then suck up the extra ones that didn't make it over to the other neuron. This is reuptake - the brain's way of keeping things tidy.

You've heard of SSRI's like Prozac and Effexor - selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. These drugs increase serotonin floating around in your brain by inhibiting reuptake. SSRI's slow down the sucking up process so more serotonin is hanging around between neurons and can connect up with the other neuron.

Stimulants, like caffeine and cocaine, act as SDRI's - selective dopamine reuptake inhibitors - same concept, different molecule. They work by keeping more dopamine around between the neurons. Depending on the substance and amount, the result is more energy and motivation.

I know this is sort of dense stuff but it's relevant to really understanding a bunch of complex topics so hang in there. Just to recap, for our purposes, dopamine tells the brain what to pay attention to because it's good, pleasurable or interesting. The more dopamine, the more intense you like something. Cues or triggers kick off craving and different substances make more dopamine available between neurons.

Dopamine Blues

Whenever you're doing something tedious, boring or unpleasant, your brain releases less dopamine and thus, nothing gets tagged as salient or rewarding. You'll even have less motivation for the interesting things. It's easier to get distracted because when understimulated, your brain starts looking around for the next shiny object. You might find your hand reaches for the phone or you suddenly find you've got 20 browser tabs open. Using your prefrontal cortex to override this urge (i.e. ugh, I have to focus) takes effort and drains emotional energy reserves.

A scattering of research investigates dopamine deficiency and insensitivity/desensitivity - basically not having enough dopamine to release or enough sensitivity to dopamine after it's released. Think of neurons as locks and neurotransmitters as keys. Whenever you have larger, more intense dopamine signaling, you can either deplete your stores or burn out receptors. That means less keys and broken locks. Boo.

Dopamine Detox

To reduce instant gratification and overstimulation, you might try dopamine fasting. This idea is to take breaks from "dopamine rush" activities like using your phone or playing video games. "Touch grass" is the phrase these technology eschewing, tree lovers like to say. Research suggests good results - detoxing leads to increased mental clarity, mood and self control, reduced anxiety and impulsivity, as well as a desire to explore new activities.

Of course, there's potential down sides. Some extremes such as isolation or food deprivation aren't great. Plus, a break from social media when you don't have friends nearby to fill up your dance card is rough at first. My advice follows the Chesterson's fence idea - don't remove something until you know why it's there. Make friends in real life before quitting social media (but please, keep reading REFRAMED).

Dopamine Baseline and Above

Everyone has a dopamine baseline humming along. This is a neutral state where you're neither bored nor interested. Nothing in particular is going on in your brain. It's kind of imaginary because I don't know about you but there's always something clicking along in my brain. But just try to picture it as a temporary, even state so we can compare the percentage over baseline. Too little dopamine circulating around and nothing is interesting to you - you're apathetic and don't care. Too much wires you up and makes everything salient. You'll get impulsive and manic with overstimulation. For comparison, let's look at substances or activities that give you a boost of dopamine over baseline.

When you're thirsty, a cool drink of water increases dopamine 50% over baseline. An orgasm (200%) just barely inches out McDonald's french fries and weed (both 150%). . If you're looking to bump up the dopamine, LSD (75%) isn't going to do it; you're better off scrolling on your phone or watching tv (both 100% each) or playing video games (150%).

Whether your evening includes an orgasm, beers and a smoke, or heroin - each a 200% increase - you're going to have a good time (at least temporarily). Party all night long on ecstacy/MDMA/Molly (325%) and pay for it days after with dopamine (and serotonin) deficiency. Once you get into cocaine (350%), crack cocaine (375%), or crystal meth (1000%), it's more rewarding and more difficult to use recreationally.

For contrast, we have to take a look at the good things in life. These activities are generally natural, healthy and not addicting. They can be habit forming but it's the good kind of habits.

Comparing a runner's high (150%) to crystal meth (1000%) starts to make the boot strap argument on how to treat addiction a little ridiculous. Illicit drugs that induce much higher dopamine rushes start to crowd out the need for anything else. How can spending time with friends (130%), laughing (100%), drinking water when thirsty (50%) or even tasty food (100%) compare with the reinforcing spikes of illicit drugs? Addict behavior starts to make sense through this lens. The regular human brain rewards pale in comparison to the drugs' effects, replacing basic human needs for food, water, and social connections. It's amazing anyone ever quits and chooses recovery (140%).

My hope is that you see how you can influence your brain and experiences. Dopamine highs are tempting but everything has tradeoffs. Too high for too long and you'll pay the price of a depleted supply for days to months after. Everything we do or take into our bodies are habits. The key is optimal stimulation - enough dopamine signaling to get you feeling good while staying in balance. That's a sustainable life. My question to you is what stimulation will you choose next? Will you continue to scroll on your phone (100%)? Make a sincere comment on this essay (110%)? Get out in nature (75%)? The choice is yours.

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Share REFRAMED

It started small. Mom pulled out a white top sheet and we were allowed to take out the couch cushions if we promised to put them back. My brother and I erected elaborate mazes with secret meeting rooms. No adults were allowed in. That worked beautifully for my parents who were just glad to get us out of their hair. One can only yell, "Go run around the block" so many times before CPS gets called.

We moved around a lot and when you put them together, discarded wardrobe boxes make great forts. The best part was if we had a basement, we could leave them up. One winter, a blizzard left us with feet of snow outside. We built what felt like miles of tunnels in the backyard and sealed the entrance with more cardboard. My parents approved because, freezing our little butts off, we'd respond without complaint to the call for dinner.

I lived in rural New Jersey for a time as a kid. Two glorious acres with a stream-fed pond that iced over enough in the winter to skate. The field next door was owned by the woman across the street. My dad got permission to mow a maze in it for us with the riding lawn mower. The real fun was playing in stream at the back of the property. I dammed it up, capturing craydids and little fish and occupied my mind for hours.

Then there was the garage. Dad cleared out the crawl space over the rafters and set up a ladder. I easily climbed up but was scared to come down. A tragedy, really, because it was perfect - a private place to read and when called to dinner, you could pretend you didn't hear. The one time I got all the way up there and couldn't get back down, Dad made it into life lesson about getting over one's fear of heights and left me there. Though I'd still climb up and poke my head in from time to time, I never returned to fully remodel the space.

Those early forts were the gateway to trespassing and theft. The pond and stream were too exposed as Mom could watch us from the kitchen window. I needed more privacy. Tall pines delineated the line between our property and the neighbor's field. Through my adventures, I'd discovered a small clearing in the back of the field. Away from prying eyes and parental requests, it was the perfect spot to build a permanent structure. The fort needed furniture so I sourced some cinder blocks from the garage and hauled them out one by one. The purloining discovered, I was forced to return them. Drats.

Fast forward to adulthood. I still love forts. While I no longer build them from couches or cinder block, I still make something in every house in which I lived. My last house, it was in the garage. Behind yard tools and old boxes, I'd carved out a nook for writing and installed a folding table and camping chair. In winter, I'd wake up earlier than the kids and cuddle up in a heated blanket and a Mr. Buddy propane heater for warmth.

My current house, a rental, houses a fort in the tiny back yard. I think of it as my nature reserve. One overgrown pine dominates a dormant tangle of grape vines over a decrepit veranda. I've set up my swinging chair and retreat there with a pair of prescription sunglasses and a book. It's not perfect but I love it. It's private enough that my partner texts me when dinner is ready.

I needed more, fort-wise. I've moved back to Colorado and fallen in love with the mountains. From Denver, you can disappear into full on nature in 30 minutes. When I was single, I'd drive out to a trail on a weekday and sit by a stream for hours. Well, I did that once....on mushrooms. But still, nature beckoned me. I needed to play forts again but I was stymied by dumb rules about building on public lands. No fort there could truly be my own.

Camping scratched the itch for a while. My partner is BIG on camping. She does it raw dog style, pitching a four season tent at dispersed sites in the snow. If you're like me, you don't know what dispersed is - basically it's a designated camp site without resources. Dry camping - no water or electricity and you dig a "cathole" to poop in. Initially, I wasn't excited to leave my feces in the woods but my partner and I play nicely together so I was game.

When first dating, I told her I hated camping. My ex-wife had dragged me out to overcrowded and popular sites, surrounded by other peoples' campfires and popup trailers. The worst feeling is needing to pee first thing in the morning when it's cold and drizzly outside, and the bathroom is trek. No thank you. My partner assured me she'd make it comfortable for me. We'd have privacy, warmth, and a bathroom nearby. Secretly, she was hoping to slow boil me into winter camping with her. It worked.

We camped all last summer, finding a new secret spot in the mountains each weekend. We'd lug the dogs and five gallons of water, cook hotdogs to split and burnt over the fire and adorn them with ketchup packets from fast food restaurants. Estes Park, Buena Vista, or Idaho Springs - the views were glorious. But since we stuck to official camping spots, there were always neighbors.

The breaking point was camping next to an ATV trail. The site we'd planned on was full by the time we arrived and we had to settle for a less optimal spot. We're not ATV people but we don't throw shade. This site would have been perfect if we had a side-by-side or little 4-wheeler. But we're camping folk and it was loud until dark, the peaceful vista disturbed by the whir of distant engines.

Then there was the visitor. A young man on a dirt bike decided our campsite was a good turn around area. Spotting two good-looking women, he stopped. He slowly removed his helmet and just stared at us. Fiona (our big dog) immediately went on alert. As two women camping, we had to be safe and this was alarming. We asked him if he needed something. Over the low idling rumble, he shouted that there was a stream nearby and he could show us. Uh, no thank you. We politely declined. He nodded, put on his helmet and zoomed off. After that, we brought bear spray to defend the fort.

My partner owns some bare land in mountains in Southern Colorado. We'd camped there a few times and even spent a week once. The views are gorgeous and better still, there are no people. The land around her five acres is technically owned by someone but without a well or septic, few venture out that far. We were completely alone. Over time, we opted to camp there more and more.

It's still chilly up there on summer nights and the idea came to us over a propane fire pit. Cozied up in down blankets in front of the flames, it started with convincing ourselves to stay an extra day. Hauling more supplies - first, a hot tent (a tent with wood stove inside), and later, a tv and fancy cot mattresses - we were now staying four days out of the week. We'd go up early Friday and come back Monday evening. Somewhere along the line, I'd turned into a winter camper, complete with wool-lined pants and a Carhartt canvas coat. I'd become an expert fire builder. Back at home, we went through two cords of wood (that's a lot) each winter, trying to recapture the serenity of camp.

Then, there was the carport idea. The 16' octagonal hot tent we'd permanently erected was starting to feel cramped. The fancy mattresses weren't cutting it and we wanted to sleep in the same bed. A carport was the answer - 200 square feet of divine luxury. We bought a small trailer and brought up an old Ikea bed frame along with the lumber. In one weekend, we built a platform and set it up. A half wall separated the bedroom from a kitchen area. Just a few tweaks and it would be perfect. We were living it up.

Burning a hole in the canvas ceiling with the stove pipe put the indoor wood stove on hold. A diesel heater and the trusty old Mr. Buddy heater mostly kept the frost off. Then the winds kicked up, gusting to 40 miles per hour. Under layers of down blankets in bed, we'd run through ideas on how to seal the drafty seams that stole our warmth. Mylar reflective sheets on the walls and moving blankets in the corners worked okay. We woke up warm enough but waited until the last second to get out of bed and pee in the cold circulating air. No bueno.

These hardships naturally led to the idea of a cabin. The seed had been there all along. My partner used to own a construction and remodeling business so she had all the know-how and more importantly, all the tools. Professional lesbian. If she had her way, our little family would move permanently into the mountains, far from civilization, and live in a cabin we built ourselves from wood she'd milled off the land. Pfffft. No, I needed an address for my Amazon deliveries.

My partner is tenacious and her diabolical plans were already in motion. She'd slowly weaned me off my hatred of camping. First, she tempted me with the views. Then she got a camp shower. Next, internet and copious positive reinforcements for my fire building skills. I blinked and found I'd become a full-on nature girl. Building a cabin in the middle of nowhere didn't feel like such a stretch. In fact, it felt familiar, like playing forts all over again. I gave it the green light.

This past weekend, we rented a really long trailer, bought a used door and windows, all the lumber, and roofing supplies. Secured with multiple tie downs, we hauled our bounty up to the tippy top of the mountain and started to build. The first 12 foot wall, the windowed door perfectly framing Mount Blanca, awed us. It was going to be fantastic - but the thought of climbing a ladder to install a roof that high left me wondering if I'd ever get back down. I'd think about that later. In one long weekend, we were able to make a level platform and frame four walls. We convinced ourselves not to stay one more day. Our middle aged bodies needed a break. But we'll be out there next weekend to, fingers crossed, finish it up.

My girlhood dream of playing forts has become an adult reality. I require more comfort than cinder block furniture these days but now, I'm employed and can afford it. At camp, I stay within yelling distance but if I hear a human voice, I know it's my partner and not some creepy dude. We're upgrading the bear spray to a small shotgun but not for people; there's rumors about a recent mountain lion attack. I'm more worried about Penny (our small dog) being eaten by one or worse, scooped up by a hawk. A covered dog run is in the plans.

I've put out a bird feeder in hopes of luring new species and capturing their tweeting with the Merlin Bird ID app. Can't put the feeder too close or we'll get critters in the cabin. We've moved piles of clothes, some furniture, and the rest of the tools. We'll turn the carport into storage at some point. A full solar setup and internet means I can work up there. Somehow, we've obtained three chainsaw in the past few months and cut wood for the fire like badasses. My partner has plans to mill cedar from the land for cabin accents and smooth them out with the planer I got her for our anniversary. Things are coming together.

I guess we really don't stray far from who we are as kids. There's something about creating my own private space by hand, away from the world, that endures within me. I'm not running away; I'm giving myself space. I imagine myself finishing my novel on our future deck with tricked out shower, with on-demand hot water, in the background. We'll build a clean outhouse and install an outdoor kitchen. We probably won't stay all winter but I can see myself wishing we could. I've just got figure out how to get my king sized bed up there.

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Brad is also a first born and annoyingly, has his own ideas of what he wants to do. He was playing by himself. I had cornered the treasure trove of the pediatrician's waiting room - life-sized lincoln log blocks. I thought of myself as considerate and I'd set about was building us an abode for the duration. You have to admit they're cool; real cardboard bricks as big as my little toddler head. Barely able to carry one with two hands, I raided the newly abandoned pile left by the last snotty kid. Naturally, I was designing the build.

Brad was playing matchbox cars. From the opposite corner, I heard the vrrrroom, erkkkk, boom of corvettes driving too fast on carpet. Dumb. Now, don't get me wrong; I liked playing cars but we had those at home. In this pediatrician's office, there were actual blocks big enough to make a house and we had to take advantage of that. Vaguely aware time was limited, I had to make a fort happen pronto. Couldn't he see that too? Apparently not as no amount of persuasion or cajoling had shifted his focus.

Frustration grew inside me like an over-inflating pool floatie. My three year old brain was on a certain, "right" track and I was blind to any other play. Sensing something brewing, my mom and her friend glanced over but continued chatting. I felt the heat of their eyes on my tender skull. The pressure grew too intense and I snapped.

Leaving my new construction unguarded, I walked over to the car area, grabbed Brad around the middle and dragged him over to the half baked fort. If he wasn't going to come over on his own, I'd make him. However, this was the extent of my plan. I figured once he saw how awesome and novel the bricks were, he'd naturally forget those dumb cars and play with me.

Brad was a nice boy and me picking him up kind of stunned him. I have always been really strong. "Pig headed" as my mom would say - so making things happen, especially lifting heavy stuff, is a natural form of working out for me. Thus, my three year old muscles were already in great shape and itching to heave. Brad sort of complied, allowing himself to be dragged like an oversized Raggedy Andy. I'd broken his good-boy, "Indian style" sitting position, and his legs were now splayed out by the blocks. Blinking as if woken from a daze, he just sat there, slumped over and confused. I was irritated his foot had knocked over one of my nascent walls and told him so. I knew how to further cement compliance.

Now that I had him where I wanted him, it was time to be sweet. Get him playing along with me before the adults interfered. Playing quietly was key - especially in public - so I had to quickly get him on board. I disappeared behind a low fort wall, emerging with a big smile and brick for him. I grabbed his hand and pantomimed stacking it on top of the wall. Accepting the brick in slow motion, his eyes began welling up. I sensed a wail was imminent. What a baby.

Conversation paused, the moms perched for action, waiting for the blow up. I had to act quickly so I bit him. Mostly I wanted to distract him from crying but also get his attention. It was pure instinct; time was running out. The tiny toolbox of coping strategies I'd amassed to date was empty and I knew one of us would be called back to the exam room at any minute. As his whole head turned red, I had a sinking feeling I'd made the wrong move.

Oooooowwwwwiiiiieee! The faces of every adult turned our way. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one kid dart to take advantage of the ruckus and steal one of my blocks. The gall of some people. This was now a disaster. Brad's mom lunged for him, scooping him up on her lap. I would have put a hand over his yawling mouth but she just cooed and rocked him. My mother, surely embarrassed at the forthright leadership demonstration from her favorite child, got up and knelt by me. Uh oh.

Southern moms in the 1970's still spanked. However, I can count on one hand how many spankings I actually remember. Chances were low in public but the threat still loomed. At home, there was always the "switch" punishment. You had to go pick a switch and prep it so they could spank you. Barbaric. The idea was to go outside, locate a suitable small tree branch and strip the leaves from it. But this always confused me. I was a daddy's girl and my dad was an electrical engineer. We'd build circuits and solder stuff all the time. He had tons of switches laying around - light switches, transfer switches. How could they spank me with it?

On the grimy office floor, I braced my behind for impact. Instead I got the eyes. When really angry, my mom's eyes bounced side to side in rapid succession. It's hard to describe - picture googly eyes on a shaken babydoll. When she looked at you like that, you were in serious trouble. Hissing in my ear, "How would you like it if I bit YOU?", I couldn't help but doubt her. I mean, it was mom. Then, she bit me! While it didn't hurt exactly, it did shock my little brain off the lincoln logs track and all the tension left my body.

Toddlers everywhere turned their shocked faces towards me. Moms could do that?? Reddened in shame, I allowed her to pull me onto the orange plastic scoop seat next to her. I silently steamed as the group of sticky-faced germ-mobile hoards descended on my precious pile of cardboard logs. Had they no decency?

Careful to avoid contact with the googly eyes, I turned towards my mother and was further shocked. Tears welled in her eyes. What was happening? Was it regret? Horror? Shame? I couldn't be sure. These were the only negative emotions I could identify from my baby feelings wheel. She was the definitive boss of me but triumphing over my will seemed to leave her a little sad. Was there a lesson in this?

Fast forward to modern day and my mom finishes retelling the story. Her tone, a heady mix of sentiment, incredulity and awe; she can't believe she bit me. She wonders aloud if it was the right move. I reassure her again that it was, citing the fact that I never did it again. She's placated, for now. I sense she's about to utter a familiar refrain; I wasn't the right kind of mother for you and I tee up my reply, But you were the one I got.

In a midlife role reversal, I boss her around now. We are hardly a spanking family and I can't pick her up or move her with my will. I never really could. I certainly don't bite her; she's bites back! Instead, into the howling wind of her independence, I yodel persuasive arguments for her accept my help . I cajole her with pleas that she did her part and now it's my turn to repay her. She wishes she still took care of me and some days, so do I. Alas, we're at an impasse, a standoff. Two bossy little girls in pigtails, this time with love in our eyes.

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How do YOU feel? Expand your emotional vocabulary with The Feelings Wheel.

Many of my clients struggle to identify and name their emotions. I’ll ask how they are feeling and what I’ll get back is either what they thought or a description of what happened. Ideally, our parents helped us to name our emotions when they happened. Often, we were just told to stop feeling.

A Handy Tool: The Feelings Wheel

How and When to Use The Feelings Wheel

I like the idea of taking your “emotional temperature.” A few times a day, ask yourself the simple question: “How do I feel right now?” If you’re not able to answer in a way that feels ‘just right,’ consult the feelings wheel. Poke around and see what fits.

The feelings lists are just suggestions and are by no means all the feelings that exist. Think of it like a box of crayons: the center is a starter box of basic colors, the middle is the expanded box and the outer circle is all the color combinations.

The more you use it, the better you’ll get. Print it out and put it on the fridge!

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My marriage had started to crumble. What started out as couple friends rapidly became one on one besties. Bestie lived near me and so I'd drive to her place to hang out. It's not what you're thinking. We were only ever just friends.

When my first wife and I separated, Bestie was there for me. Always listening and never asking for more. Divorce makes you self involved. Still, I asked my friend questions about herself and got little bits in return. She was adopted and had been in touch with her birth mom. They didn't get along. Her adoptive mom didn't approve of her "lesbian lifestyle" on account of Christian beliefs. Bestie was a staunch atheist and didn't approve of smoking.

I was a mess. I started dating - men - but Bestie didn't judge me. She said sexuality was fluid. I was relieved - one lesbian hadn't thrown me out of the tribe. I started dating this one guy more seriously. It started as a one night stand. The next morning, I told him I was only attracted to alcoholics and addicts and was he one? He said no. My Bestie got all the sordid details.

The guy was a server who couch surfed. I'd pick him up after his shift - or what I thought was right after he got off work. He'd reek of alcohol but I adored him. Bestie invited us both for dinner. He wore pants too short for him and took baths from the side of the tub. Within a month, he was living with me. I put him on my phone plan and paid for a new phone and tablet.

One night, driving out again at 2 am to pick him up, there was an incident. He had already admitted to getting a few drinks after his shift. As if I didn't know. I was a drug and alcohol therapist for pete's sake. That night, reluctant to leave, he made me wait in the restaurant bar while he finished his beer. Normally a little shy, this night, he was lighting up the bar with personality.

He'd interrupt other servers, still working, calling out their names and asking them to dance. They ignored him but I was not amused. Tired and irritated, I just wanted to go home. But if I left him, where would he sleep that night? Finally, he finished up and paid with the wad of cash he'd earned that night. We set off for home in the new car I'd bought with my divorce settlement.

A trek from the downtown area where he worked, I was still living in my marital home. It was about a 30 minute drive. In the car, he was abnormally silent. Booze had begun eroding our relationship. I felt trapped - I'd started to fall for him but then he'd killed it. This night would seal the deal but of course, I wouldn't cut ties for a while.

We were near home when he started not to feel well. I asked if I should pull over but he said to keep going. We rounded the corner to the house when it started to happen. First, he puked in his mouth, presumably swallowing it. I cranked into crisis mode. We'd barely pulled into the garage when he opened the door and spewed. He ran into the house.

I sat in the driver's seat, half in and out of the open garage, stunned and staring into space. I looked over to the passenger seat and saw that he'd peed himself. Thank god for leather seats. What had I gotten myself into? I was in yet another full blown rescue relationship with another alcoholic. Of course I was. This was a rebound, right?

The next day, hosing off the drive, I called my Bestie. She was so pissed. What a dolt he was. But did I still love him? I didn't know. I was in the middle of getting the house ready to sell. I wanted to be closer to the action. I was a new divorcee with a novelty boyfriend. She thought I should wait it out and see if things got better after the move.

The boyfriend wasn't officially living with me but might as well had been. I felt responsible for him. If he wasn't with me, he had no place to go. He'd come from a tough childhood. Mom was schizophrenic and dad wasn't around. He'd grown up in the projects of St. Louis. He'd already been through a lot and needed a break. Bestie agreed.

Fast forward and we're living in the cool part of town. I'd made a new friend after putting the guy on my phone plan and finally we were living closer and could hang out. Lona was suspicious of the boyfriend - she asked pointed questions about where he had lived before moving in with me. When I said he stayed at different friends houses, she said he was homeless. I protested. She left it with, "Ok then, Laura."

I finally got sick of the boyfriend's shit and threw him out. Bestie met me at the house to wait for the locksmith. She wanted to be there just in case the boyfriend came home. A few days earlier, she'd given me some "tough love." Warning me that she was going to say something harsh, she'd practically whispered, "Laura, I think he might be an alcoholic." I'd braced myself for more and just nodded in agreement.

As the weeks passed, the boyfriend came and went. All his stuff was still at my house in two trash bags. He kept meaning to come by and get them. When I asked him to pay for his share of the phone, he'd promise me money when his paycheck came in. In the meantime, he claimed someone robbed him at knife point and stole the tablet. He even showed me a healed scar on his belly. Bestie and I were both dubious.

Bestie got up to the moment gossip. She was totally "Team Laura" whenever I texted updates. When I gave him the final warning - come get your stuff or I'm putting it in the alley - Bestie was there for support. We'd hung out all day, when the boyfriend finally showed up, drunk as a skunk at 4 in the afternoon. Bestie and I peeked through the window, watching and commenting on his wobbly sorting from the bags. He was there an hour, picking out on the most valuable items he could carry on foot and leaving the rest. No wonder his pants didn't fit. Bestie was titallated and floored at his choices.

I'd introduced Bestie to Lona, thinking they'd get along famously - both from similar backgrounds with kids. Bestie had invited us over for a pool party then ignored Lona. I was confused but balanced my attention between the two of them. Lona had taken to calling the boyfriend an alcoholic, homeless waiter. She thought I could do better. Bestie thought Lona was being insensitive to his past, uncharitable. But Lona had come from rough circumstances herself and made the point that she'd done better and so should he. She made a good argument.

Other drama had erupted at work - a story for another day. Bestie was on it, taking my side and coming up with cutting barbs about my business partner for my amusement. She was always there, screening to sensitive voicemails and reassuring me, or making me dinner while listening to my tales of woe. The boyfriend still reached out, professing his love, while having moved in with another woman. She wondered if I should give him another chance as he obviously loved me.

I'd been a licensed psychologist in private practice for 4 years at this point. I'd trained and worked at a treatment center and written my dissertation on food addiction. I'd seen my fair share of addicts and divorced my ex-wife after years of her alcohol abuse. What had I been doing dating an active alcoholic and a man to boot? This wasn't love; he was using me.

I'd just turned 40. I'd been in therapy for years and done so much work on myself. I had only the divorce to blame for this chaotic relationship. It had upended my world. It was for the best. My ex had sobered up and we were on friendly terms. But still, hadn't I'd learned enough to pick up on the signs and pass on someone as unhealthy as him? I was just thankful I hadn't run into some cult as this would be the time I was vulnerable enough to be recruited.

The turning point came when I decided to move back to Chicago. I'd miss Bestie and Lona who was rapidly growing into another bestie. But alas, I had to go. I promised to keep in touch and come back to visit as it was a short car ride away. Hopeful and giddy, I packed up my things, said my goodbyes and was off to a new start.

Remembering the words of my Bestie's wife, I worked to maintain the friendship. I texted her every few days and when she gave minimal responses, I chalked it up to being a busy mom. Dating men had run its course. I was back in therapy with a new psychologist who also made me do yoga. Things were looking up. I'd decided not to settle and was ready to try dating women again. I'd held off because women were serious - I didn't want to get involved until I could commit. I'd felt dumpy and washed up after the divorce. Men were easy and made me feel attractive. But it was just a phase.

Bestie met me in Colorado to see Brandi Carlile at Red Rocks in the VIP section. It was 2015 and we were going to light it up. Marijuana being legal in Colorado and her on a girls trip with no kids, she wanted to get gummies for the concert. After a purchase from one of the cinderblock fortresses, we were off to the mountains. VIP meant we got to go to sound check. Five rows up from the stage, we toasted gummies and swallowed them down.

I'd never been a big fan of weed - it always made me feel dumb and irritable - but the store clerk had assured me I hadn't been trying the right strain. This was not the first (or last) time someone would suggest this but I was hopeful and happy.

By the time the music started, we were surrounded by adoring fans. Bestie was having the time of her life - free, high and dancing her ass off. Meanwhile, I was swaying, regretting my choices, and irritated that I couldn't follow the lyrics. Sigh, at least she was having a good time.

Back in Chicago, I continued to keep up with Bestie but her replies had started to dwindle. I'd met someone special and was excited. Bestie was cautious and unenthusiastic for details. It was the start of the Black Lives Matter movement. The new gal was a cop.

I'd never dated anyone in the military or law enforcement. Psychologists and therapists were all in for people of color and against cops. I was torn. My new love wasn't like that. She was empathic, kind, and compassionate. As a detective, she didn't enforce small infractions of the law and advocated for the people she arrested on first felonies to receive adjudicated sentences. She hated that the communities she served were prisoners in their homes due to gun violence and eschewed Facebook "slacktivists." In the thick of it, she knew what was really going on.

Bestie and I arranged a visit that summer to hang out at her pool. I wanted to tell her everything about this new lady but she'd slyly change the subject. Eventually, I asked her point blank what she thought. Bestiue said she wondered about my judgment and was worried for me. I took this in thoughtfully as I was still figuring this out for myself. This time, I changed the subject.

Fast forward to that Fall and I begged Bestie to come visit me in Chicago. I still had my apartment but was living with the new gal. We were in glorious love and I wanted to share it. Bestie could stay at my place and we'd show her the city. Another fabulous girls trip adventure.

Bestie loved my apartment. In the heart of Andersonville, formerly Girls' Town, it walking distance to all the shops. But that was about all she loved. She wasn't ready to hang out until the afternoon and only good for about 3 hours. I told myself she was escaping her hectic home life and didn't want to be around the two rowdy step boys I'd acquired. But the truth was much darker.

Once she got home, I got it out of her. She didn't support me dating a cop, good or otherwise. She was disappointed with me and didn't think she could continue the friendship. I was crushed, sort of, but I'd seen it coming. Ever since I'd moved away, she'd grown more and more distant. We decided to give each other space.

I didn't doubt my girlfriend and our relationship for a second. I knew who she was and that I wasn't consorting with the enemy. Surely Bestie knew this too? If so, her reasons were underground. Was it me? Did I do something to offend her so deeply she wouldn't talk about it? Did she finally get to know me well enough that she didn't actually like me? Had I worn a mask that, now shed, revealed my flaws?

I struggled with this for a long time. It wasn't until another visit, girlfriend in tow, to see Lona that I finally put it to rest. Bestie and I had made plans to talk but she'd backed out. Our last day in town, over breakfast, I finally let my girlfriend and Lona know all the ugly details.

Both aghast at Bestie's behavior, they assured me I'd done nothing wrong. That I wasn't wrong. They put the onus on her and agreed that it wasn't about the cop thing at all. Lona had been there for the worst of the divorce and supported me every step of the way. She floated a new story - Bestie only liked me when I was miserable.

Over the next few weeks, I got to thinking about this. Bestie hadn't pulled away when I started dating the cop but right after I moved. I was starting a new chapter of my life and emerging from a pit of dark days and poor choices. My life was brightening and for the first time in our friendship, I was becoming happier. Bestie didn't know what to do with that.

I tried to get into her head and test this new theory. Maybe, if I no longer needed support, she didn't see a place in my life? I thought back to her wife saying she didn't have friends. If someone needs you to be down in the dumps, then of course they'll run you off. If I wasn't going through a hard time, I didn't fit into Bestie's relationship dance. Either she was going to drag me back down or lose me. Cutting me loose ended up the easier option for her.

This new story made far more sense than some terrible mystery thing I'd done. I was released - this wasn't about me at all. I've come to call Bestie my "foul weather friend" and avoid her ilk. It was only after Lona imparted that bit of wisdom that I figured it out. I call Lona my "true blue friend" because she's the kind that sticks around in rain or sunshine. When my wife (formerly new girlfriend) died by suicide, she dropped everything to be with me. She's the kind of friend everyone needs.

The moral of this story is that it's not about you. Usually. I learned a lot from my friendship with Bestie. People attracted to trauma and crisis have trouble valuing themselves for more than their usefulness. I received her care but she didn't give me a chance to reciprocate. I wish her well and to her credit, after hearing about my wife's death, she sent a handwritten card. Lona joked that Bestie and I could be friends again but I wisely did not resume the friendship. I already had enough besties and a new crop of new hard times to get through. But if I ever need someone to validate my poor choices, I know who to call.

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I'll give you a simple example. I know how much better I feel when I snack on carrots and hummus. I feel healthy, energized and bright. Yay me! Self esteem expands with multiple pats on the back. It makes intellectual sense to always have snacks like this on hand so it's easier to choose them. But... sometimes I want mini eggs. They are my secret pleasure. They make me happy in a deep down way carrots will never reach. But too many of them give me a stomach ache.

Can you see the secondary gain I get when I choose mini eggs over carrots? If I forced it - making myself eat carrots when I want mini eggs - I'm doomed to fail. Unless I resolve that secondary gain - unless I can figure out a better way to feel that deeper happiness - mini eggs will eventually win out.

The same goes for relationship dynamics. We put up with unhealthy behaviors because we get something from it. What you get is either an absence or a presence. Examples of absences are not having to change, avoiding a fight, or not asking for something you need or want. Examples of presences are keeping the peace, feeling superior, or justification of your resentments. There’s a risk to taking up space.

Why not embrace the dysfunction and just go with it. Codependency is innately learned; no one tells you how to do it, you just know. The following rules are a tad tongue and cheek but framing them in this way helps us see what we're really doing. If you see yourself in these rules, don't despair. I've got some tips for new rules at the end.

1. Always Put Your Partner First, No Matter What

   Your needs, dreams, and happiness don’t matter—your partner’s come first, always. This rule ensures you'll hold on to them by becoming irreplaceable. No one can love them like you.

2. Never Set Boundaries

   Let your partner control your time, emotions, and energy. Saying no is selfish! Boundaries are risky and make others angry. Play it safe and small and you'll make sure you're protected from conflict.

3. Keep Your True Feelings to Yourself

   If something bothers you, don’t mention it. Suppress your emotions to keep the peace. Your feelings take up the valuable space your partner needs to feel calm. If you must, complain to a friend or write in a journal. Whatever you do, don't let them out directly.

4. Take Full Responsibility for Your Partner’s Problems

   If they’re unhappy, stressed, or failing, it’s your job to fix it. Even though it's crazymaking to take over when you don't have the same power, someone has to take responsibility. By working harder, you can make sure the bills are paid, the house is clean, and no one knows what's going on.

5. Avoid Asking for Help or Support

   Struggle in silence—asking for help makes you look weak and unloving. If you ask for help outside your relationship, you're opening yourself up to criticism. Why isn't your husband helping you move this heavy thing? If you ask for help of your partner, it's just going to start a fight. Avoid pushback, defensiveness, and owing favors because you're just going to end up doing it yourself anyways. Hyper independent people are the strongest.

6. Stay in the Relationship No Matter How Unhealthy It Is

   Leaving is never an option. If you’re miserable, just try harder to make them happy. You don't want to break up your family - it's expensive, time consuming, and there's no guarantee the grass is greener. Might as well stay and hope for the best. You get to show off your loyal and empathetic sides.

7. Lose Yourself in the Relationship

   Ditch your hobbies, interests, and goals—your identity should revolve around your partner. These things are only taking up space anyway. Better yet, take up your partners hobbies, even if you don't like them. The upside is you get to spend time together and make your partner happy. And it's probably a good thing to learn the intricacies of some skill you'll never use.

8. Only Do What Your Partner Wants

   Don’t have preferences of your own—let them decide where you go, what you eat, and how you spend your time. Take the pressure off of yourself to decide. You're already using those mind reading skills in other areas. Play the multiple choice game of suggestion wisely by never wanting something for yourself.

9. Let Them Guilt-Trip You into Anything

   If they say, I’ll fall apart without you, believe them and stay no matter what. Don't spend too much time outside the house or on the phone with someone else. Definitely don't invite friends over because it's taking away from the time you stay alert and anticipating your partner's needs.

10. Ignore Your Gut Feelings

    If something feels wrong, just tell yourself you’re overreacting. Your partner knows best. Gut feelings are unsettling and they rock the boat. Suppress them if you can and let them out as passive aggressiveness if you must. Maintaining a dysfunctional balance takes patience and perseverance.

    ---

Ugh, it was too easy to write all that. There's something innate and familiar in being codependent. It's a chorus of the manager and firefighter voices that keep us locked in that cycle. Changing means going against the grain and doing something new. It's work - a leap of faith that something good will come from it. The payoff doesn't come until much later and only when you look back.

If instead, you're tired of it all, the answer is already in the problem - flip each of these and do the opposite. I don't recommend doing that with all of them at once as your aim is to rock the boat, not overturn it. At the same time, don't be surprised when the pendulum swings fully the other way. Once we realize the total impact of what we do to maintain the secondary gains, often the response is to close ranks internally, hold rigid boundaries and speak too bluntly.

Codependent relationships can evolve into healthier versions but not all at once. Big change needs time and patience. Start with small changes and communicate your reasons to your partner. Give them a chance to think through things themselves. If they start growing alongside you, it won't matter who is being the healthiest. The point is for both of you to grow.

Watch out for fake or temporary changes in both of you. You'll have to really believe in something for it to stick. And it's called "co"dependency for a reason - it takes two to maintain the dysfunction. Your partner may do something small to get you off their back, then resort to old behaviors. You'll feel pulled back into the dance and it's at that very moment that you can do something different.

Focus on the dynamics instead of the issue in front of you. Pull it back and look at the big picture. Notice how one of you starts the moves, inviting the other to follow. Don't assign blame because you're in the mix as well. Instead, own your part in it and talk about your changes. It's a vulnerable place to be in but you're inviting your partner into a new rhythm. You can't force it, can't make them let go of their own secondary gains, but it's a start. And it'll give you valuable data for making decisions later. No matter what happens, you'll be better for it.

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I'm a psychologist and have counseled transfolk for decades. I was fortunate enough to get in-depth training and experience as part of a grad school consortium in Chicago. If you'd asked me back then if transwomen were women, I would have said, "Hell yeah they are!" But this new era of deeper questioning has forced into a new corner. Are transwomen biological women? That depends on what you mean by biological. Do they have XY chromosomes? Usually not. Were they bathed in feminizing hormones in the womb? Maybe. What it always came down to for me was respect. I'll respect your pronouns, gender presentation, gender fluidity, and call you by whatever name you want. I'll even defend you when you're not around. But you've got to extend the same courtesy to me.

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Writers, musicians and other artists are essential parts of culture. I'm thinking of the rise in "torture porn" in the early 2000's. Between 2003- 2011, the US was engaged in the Iraq War and the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. The public watched images of ISIS beheadings, learned about waterboarding, and questioned interrogation tactics abroad.

Culture reflected our collective anxieties. The Saw movies, with themes of prolonged suffering and physical torment, expressed our feelings of helplessness at the senseless violence. Music reflected themes of escape, heartbreak, confidence and patriotism, such as Green Day's American Idiot, Usher's Burn, and Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying.

Books of the era reflected the same overwhelm. We needed easier to read books with clear, simplistic themes. The Young Adult (YA) genre saw a rise in adult readers, beginning with the Harry Potter series. Chicken Soup for the Soul and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff made comebacks as Americans desperately needing soothing. Fiction themes ranged from paranormal romances of the Twilight series, dystopian futures of the Hunger Games, and of course, Zombies.

Today’s Worries

Free floating anxiety inevitably seeks structure. The pendulum swing towards rigidity, strong, mouthy leaders, and black and white laws of our current day makes sense in the context of historical cycles. Maybe it's just me but it seems like fiction, movies, and tv series turned to crap after Covid. Finding the one awesome truly literary writer is a needle in the haystack. Youtube and Substack have replaced my streaming and media. services. When I can't find a contemporary novel, I read books from yesteryear. In my private practice, I have a few writer clients and their prose is so good. I know because they let me be beta readers.

I admire writers who actually sell their books and get published. It's an accomplishment and so much work goes into the whole process. And so much time. The standard publishing timeline is 12 - 24 months! It means that author is tied up with edits, decisions, publicity and NOT WRITING. The age of self publishing, or maybe hybrid publishing, is dawning. This is one wave we need to catch.

It’s Your Turn

I'm putting a call out to my fellow writers to help me shape our world - both current day culture and beyond. What do you want to help create? We each have a vote. I'm not talking about mere politics; your actions are votes in motion. They are your individual contributions to the world in which we live. This is a powerful idea. Through one lens, a single vote is trivial, inconsequential. It doesn't seem to make a difference. It is the aggregate that wins the day. The bigger picture reflects an aggregate of individual contributions. Each essay, poem, short story and novel adds to a continuous accumulation of culture. How will you play your part?

While one person cannot change all of society on their own, taking the larger perspective allows you to see the roadmap. You have an opportunity to choose your direction - to vote with your words along a particular path. How will you invest your time and energy in the world? Will you use your words to circle the well-trod valleys or forge new paths?

I acknowledge the world is on fire right now. Everyone already knows this. It is too big for just you or me to put out. The time to alert, protest or complain is passing. Holding my nose, I accept the current reality. What's here is here and the only way through is forward. I am faced with my individual choice - should I dwell in the problem or be the solution?

As you may have gathered by now, I've decided to chart my own path. This may mean going against the tide but if others join me, our collective tenacity can break new ground. People are either repelled or attracted to ideas. Knowing what you don't want to see isn't enough. Attraction is a stronger force. Instead of reacting to the latest political or world crisis, let's figure out what we can do instead. I want to build new things, not roll around in the muck. I don't want my vote to stagnate any of us.

One method I've chosen is to empower others. I think my job as a writer and psychologist is to light the path so others can follow. This path is not prescriptive; I'm not telling you how to live. I go deeper. I want to help you analyze the options and deliberately decide your way. Forging new paths can be intimidating but in learning to trust the process, you'll trust yourself and find a greater sense of meaning. Living more enriched lives of purpose is one way we each contribute goodness to the world. My aim is to model the positive change I want to see. Since I'm allergic to mean people, this will definitely challenge me to grow. But I'm ready for it. I think...I may need more naps.

What Can Writers Do?

Writers will be particularly important during this phase of cultural development. If you want a deeper dive into the theory behind what's coming, check out What's Next and What You Can Do About It. The ideas below represent the gist of what will be crucial to rebuilding society in sustainable ways. Ethics and fact checking will take center stage as well as supporting up-and-coming writers and independent bookstores. Fingers crossed, my daydream of opening a used bookstore and coffeehouse with cheap books may be closer than I think.

Here's a list of 20 ways you can contribute to society through your craft:

Legal & Ethical Responsibilities

1. Respecting copyright laws – Giving proper credit and avoiding plagiarism. It takes one second to include an originating link. Whatever photos you use in your writing must be credited. Oh, and please stop using AI-generated graphics (unless it's done in irony).

2. Fact-checking information – Preventing the spread of misinformation. Don't just restack or retweet - check the source first. And please, resist giving or reacting to hot takes. Well thought out ideas take time.

3. Writing responsibly about sensitive topics – Avoiding harm through careful research and framing. This doesn't just apply to marginalized groups - stick to objective descriptions and write with respect about people with whom you disagree as well.

4. Refraining from generalizations – Avoiding writing about a group as if all its members are the same. Every group is made up of individuals who each have a whole universe in their heads. Generalizations, especially negative ones, will inevitably be invalidating and you've lost your chance to reach someone.

5. Advocating for free speech – Defending the right to express ideas openly. The concept of free speech faces its biggest challenge with speech you don't like or think is bad. Anytime we restrict speech for one, it threatens the freedom of all. I'm not an absolutist; I still believe in not yelling fire in a crowded theater or threatening others with violence.

Political & Social Engagement

1. Informing the public through writing – Explaining political, legal, or social issues in clear, unbiased language. Aim for balanced essays that add something to the overall cultural understanding of a topic. If you want to reach someone who disagrees with you, ease off the gas on strongly persuasive articles.

2. Encouraging voter participation – Writing articles, essays, or campaigns to boost civic engagement. Write about all the ways we vote. Encourage the people in your life to add their voices to the mix. Help us move forward with your words, footsteps and money.

3. Holding leaders accountable – Investigating and reporting on government actions. In the information age, there's a lot of noise. Be the signal. To be heard, you have to report on the facts and trust the reader to form their own opinions.

4. Writing letters to representatives – Advocating for policy changes, rules, public comment opportunities, new initiatives, as well as bills on the local, state and national levels. Imagine an office flooded with letters - and yours is one of them! Your voice really can make a difference here.

5. Participating in public debates and forums – Using writing to contribute to civic discourse. This is where opinion and persuasive pieces fit but maintain your integrity, keep your side of the street clean and treating those with whom you disagree with respect no matter how they treat you. You don't have to put up with abuse but make a graceful exit. Confidence is quiet.

Community Involvement

1. Writing grants for nonprofits – Helping organizations secure funding. As the government pulls back financial support, I predict a rise in private grants. Grant writers are a rare gem. Take an adult education class to learn more about it.

2. Volunteering to teach reading or writing – Offering workshops in schools, libraries, or prisons. Creating book groups is a great idea as well. Literacy is one of those dominos that if we made sure everyone could read and write, we might solve a lot of big problems. What book really turned you on to reading?

3. Mentoring young or emerging writers – Sharing knowledge and experience. You might think you don't know enough but you probably know more than someone from the generation behind you.

4. Writing for community newspapers or newsletters – Keeping locals informed. Small town papers are disappearing but the reporters covered events you won't find on the television news. Start a small town newsstack!

5. Contributing to historical or archival projects – Documenting community events. Volunteering to help organize archives at libraries. Heck, why not start collecting and keeping your own archive!

Supporting the Craft & Literary Culture

1. Supporting libraries and independent bookstores – Keeping reading accessible for everyone. Libraries are under attack but surely the answer isn't to close down this valuable community resource. We've got to work together to figure out what's next. Independent bookstores rely on your willingness to pay a little more than you would on Amazon. Commit to buying at least one book a year.

2. Fighting censorship and book bans – Advocating for intellectual freedom and free speech - even when it hurts your heart. Let it slide off your shoulders and keep focused on what matters. Someone who would ban a book is scared. If you want to change their mind, you have to address that with compassion first.

3. Joining writer’s organizations – Participating in groups of fellow writers. Many of these organizations offer seminars, networking events, and even opportunities to connect with agents. Find a local or online cohort with which to trade feedback, editing and beta reading services.

4. Self publishing – There are many ways to get your work out there. Substack is a great way to get started but no matter what, it takes a while for you to hone your craft and for word of your greatness to reach the world. Keep at it. Don't write for the lowest common denominator. Take the risk and write what lights you on fire without thinking about whether others will like it. Impress yourself first. Keep a list of essay or story ideas. Jot down poems on post-it notes. Apply to contests. If you want to see your name in print, make it happen.

5. Writing to preserve history – Documenting important cultural and historical moments. It probably seems like the world is saturated with Covid lockdown essays but 100 years from now, people will do deep dives. Keep a journal, write about the mundane, make your mark.

What ideas do you have for writers who want to shape the future?

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This leads me to the research and generational theory of Neil Howe and William Strauss who published their seminal book Generations in 1992. They predicted the current societal upheaval based on repeated historical patterns. Strauss was an American author, historian, playwright, and lecturer who died in 2007. Howe is also an American author and historian, as well as an economist, and demographer. Their thinking unites diverse fields of study with a focus on history and generational cycles.

These are theories not facts. The information in Generations and later books certainly has their critics. In 1997, Michael Lind of the New York Times, characterizes their theory as 'vague' 'pseudoscience' as the nature of the theory is to predict concepts rather than specific events. Admittedly, this may come off as the equivalent to historical astrology. In a 2006 article, The Generation Gap: More Myth Than Reality, Human Resources expert, Frank Giancola writes about the difficulty of segmenting generations in the first place as well as using sweeping generalizations to describe the individuals within. The study of generations is more art than science at times. My aim is to present this theory as succinctly as possible and let you decide.

It must be said: this theory is apolitical and does not prescribe specific ideological solutions. A few years ago, Steve Bannon tried to hijack Howe's book, The Fourth Turning, twisting it towards right wing causes, and exaggerating the author's depiction of societal upheaval as apocalyptic. Howe and Strauss's generational theory is descriptive, merely analyzing the past and predicting conceptual events in the future. Howe, himself, says his theory can be harnessed by different political movements—whether authoritarian or democratic—depending on how society interprets and responds. Addressing comments about his political leanings, he notes that others form assumptions about him depending on which polarizing figure likes a particular book, rather than on his personal beliefs.

The point is to figure out what to do next. We repeat what we don't examine and heal. In this spirit, my hope is that we all take a step back, examine what's happening, and do our parts to shape society in the healthiest, most productive, and regenerative ways in order to provide maximum equality and benefit to all. Let's dive in.

Generational Theory

Howe and Strauss's generational theory views history as a repeating cycle of four generational archetypes—Prophet, Nomad, Hero, and Artist—each shaped by the era in which they were born and grew up. Every 80–100 years, society moves through four “Turnings” (High, Awakening, Unraveling, and Crisis), with each generation playing a distinct role. Every 50 years or so, the Crisis switches between secular and spiritual. Parenting styles also cycle from generation to generation, ranging from very engaged to unengaged.

• Prophets (Boomers) – Visionary, values-driven leaders who come of age during a High turning and push for change. As young adults, they grew up during a spiritual Crisis and some of them became hippies. Parents of Boomers were very engaged, often prescribing "proper" career and marriage paths.

• Nomads (Gen X) – Independent, pragmatic survivors who grew up in an Unraveling and are leaders during Crisis. Gen-X's Boomer parents were less engaged, often with two parents in the workforce. Often thought of as free-range or latch-key kids, Gen-X'ers wandered the neighborhood until dark.

• Heroes (Millennials) – Civic-minded, institution-builders who emerge from Crisis to rebuild society. Their Gen-X parents were very engaged "helicopter parents" who arranged playdates and arbitrated fights on behalf of their Millennial kids. As young adults, Millennials grew up during a secular Crisis, with some of them becoming today's Progressives, Libertarians and Populists.

• Artists (Gen Z & beyond) – Sensitive, adaptive nurturers shaped by post-Crisis stability. Gen-Z's Millennial parents are very engaged in "digital parenting," are more emotionally available, but tend to take a hands-off, child-led approach with their Gen-Z kids.

Each generation reacts to the strengths, forces, and failures of the one before, driving the cycle forward. The Fourth Turning is the current stage in Howe’s generational cycle theory, predicting a period of intense crisis, institutional instability, and societal upheaval that will result in the reshaping of the social and political order. Previous Fourth Turnings include the American Revolution, the Civil War, and World War II.

What You Can Do

During this turning phase, institutions weaken, trust erodes, and conflicts—domestic or global—force a reckoning. However, it also sets the stage for renewal, with a new societal structure emerging from the crisis. Howe predicts the current Turning (starting in the mid-2000s) will likely peak in the early 2030s, leading to the formation of stronger, redefined institutions.

We are entering an age of civic-minded renewal. If Howe’s Fourth Turning framework holds, we’re in a period of major societal upheaval that will produce new versions of institutions and culture. He believes individuals should focus on resilience, adaptability, and rebuilding for this next phase. He suggests key areas to prioritize:

1. Strengthen Personal Resilience

• Develop Practical Skills – Learn self-sufficiency: basic repairs, first aid, financial literacy, and even food security (gardening, preserving food). Pick up a hobby like woodworking or knitting.

• Mental & Emotional Resilience – Cultivate adaptability, mindfulness, and emotional intelligence to handle uncertainty. Grit and perseverance is needed to weather the current storm.

• Build Financial Stability – Reduce debt, diversify income streams, and invest in tangible assets rather than over-relying on institutions or Youtube stardom. This is solid advice no matter the generation or time period.

2. Strengthen Communities

• Invest in Local Networks – Strong communities tend to survive crises better than isolated individuals. Get involved in volunteering, mutual aid, neighborhood groups, or local governance. Take your connections from digital to analog and make friends in real life.

• Support Small, Resilient Systems – Shop locally, support independent businesses, and focus on decentralized systems that thrive even when big institutions falter. Even as Walmart and Amazon dominate, we still have choices. If possible, spend a little more in support of the up and comers - you'll probably get better service.

• Mentorship & Skill Sharing – Pass on knowledge and support younger generations, as intergenerational cooperation becomes crucial. Be humble and generous, open to learning, and teach what you know to others.

3. Prepare for Cultural and Institutional Change

• Understand the Cycles – Recognizing that institutions are may go through big changes and some will become obsolete. In their place, our job is to rebuild suitable alternatives. Educate yourself - information always reduces fear, anxiety, and frustration.

• Engage in Meaningful Work – Whether in business, politics, education, or the arts, contribute to shaping what comes next rather than just resisting decline. Start thinking about the world you want to live in - planning is the first step to building.

• Emphasize Long-Term Thinking – While uncertainty is high, those who plan for the rebuilding phase will be the ones shaping it. If your attention is wound up in current politics, you'll have no energy left over for shaping what's next. Vote with your words, footsteps, and money.

4. Embrace Generational Roles

• Millennials – As the likely “hero” generation in Howe’s framework, they may lead institution-building efforts post-Crisis. Leadership, service, and cooperation will be key. Egalitarianism won't work as we'll need more leadership structure. It's okay for people to specialize and lean into their strengths. Lead or support others.

• Gen X & Boomers – With their experience, they can guide and mentor younger generations through transition periods. Pragmatism and wisdom will be needed. Small in generational numbers, we may have missed the boat to become leaders. However, we can still offer life lessons, expertise and guidance to others.

• Gen Z & Beyond – Those coming of age now should focus on adaptability and learning from history in preparation for the next cultural phase. The first key to shaping the future is to accept the reality of what is. Protests are demands for current leaders to change the system. The time has passed for demonstrations, complaints and reactions. Instead, based on wisdom from mentors, Gen-Zer's need to determine what's needed most and start building.

5. Stay Open to Opportunity

• Innovation & Creativity – Turnings don’t just bring destruction—they create massive openings for new technologies, industries, ideas, and cultural renaissances. We are in a liminal period between an ending and a beginning. These in-betweens are breeding grounds for opportunists. If we don't take advantage of the opportunities available, others will move in and exploit the system. It is now your job to take the reins.

• Look for Gaps to Fill – As old institutions weaken, new solutions are needed. This could be in governance, finance, economics, media, or even social structures. What do people need? Based on your skills, knowledge, and resources, where can you be of service?

If nothing else, Howe and Strauss's theory is interesting. We don't have to subscribe to all of it to find inspiration on how to work through our current societal woes. You don't even have to 'reach across the aisle' to build something. You can look around you, see what's needed, and fill the gap. Tune in to and amplify the voice of your intuition. Turn your focus from what not to do, what you don't like or support, and aim it towards what you want to build or see in the world. Shake off judgment, support the enthusiasm of others and lend your experience. Find something that interests you and learn it. Stay curious and open to change. Tune out noise and tune in the signal - it's where meaning and purpose can be found. Above all, stay true to yourself - your authentic, real life self.

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Relational Asymptotes — Approach but never touch

The truth is that others cannot fix or save you entirely. You are, indeed, an individual in your own mind and by that, alone. There are many benefits to this — many protections. But when in the midst of this pain, it just feels lonely. Another truth that can be revealed, when you are ready enough (and brave and the pain pushes you to it) is that others close to us can form a web of connection, safety, and closeness that holds us when we are at our weakest. No one person can bear this loneliness for very long without it changing us and the story we tell ourselves about our world.

We hold fast to the mythology that it’s possible for others to save us to because of the original holding by our parents (i.e. mother) who may have held us in her arms when we were sick, or had a scraped knee, or a nightmare. But those pains were so simple for them to soothe and likely did not trigger their own vast unsoothed pains. And so we repeat the cycle of seeking out soothing from others and feeling the loss.

What You Really Need

The more important lesson along the way would have been to teach us how to calm and comfort our deepest selves — by recognizing and naming our hurts, forging a new path of safety, security, and self protection, and forming a sense of empowerment that we can pull in the resources we need to care for ourselves.

Cleaning Out the Closets

We are so smart, so insightful, and have so many gifts. Rearranging the furniture of these things within the house of our minds to our own liking is the key. Sorting through closets that contain the voices that no longer serve us and kindly responding to our own internal criticisms with truths that we can back up with evidence creates new voices that we want to listen to in our minds.

An Ordered House

The maintenance and care of ourselves is fundamental to being able to act with empathy, calm, boundaries, ethics, clear headedness, and the like with others. If our house is in order and maintained, our relationships will fall into place. We will be more confident with others. When we unclutter ourselves, we have space for others’ faults, missteps, imperfections, bad days, etc. There are rooms in everyone’s’ homes that no one can or should have access to — relationships that are stuck reveal the more significant work in the other person’s house that are beyond our ability to reach. And this is why we need to be alone in our heads — it is a workspace. There is so much to process about the world that we each need a room that never is clean, that has rough edges, where we can experiment and try things out. This is residence of our lovely growing edges.

Connecting Through the Fear

The web of connection is key to changing our relationship to pain. Sometimes, we don’t even know how to connect to others, build a web, or use the web we have. Symbolically, it’s a matter of determining who might be good to trust and then slowly showing them those growing edges. Change happens when we expose our vulnerable areas to validating sources in others. This creates the building blocks that reinforce and strengthen our sense of self concept and self esteem. We write the story and determine just who we are. Others do not save us but we cannot do it without them. It’s in our DNA to be social creatures and that means our very survival depends on creating possibilities within ourselves to reach out to others and allow ourselves to be touched when others need us. What a glorious feeling it is when we are full enough to give to others.

If the bad thing has already happened, shouldn’t you get something out of it? Make that damn lemonade.

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The best versions are always png files but I’ve included jpegs as well. Let me know if you have any trouble downloading them. Click on one you need and save it as a picture (less resolution) or download the whole file with the link (higher resolution for enlargement).

Internal Family Systems Diagrams

IFS Detail Diagram - PNG file

IFS Detail Diagram - JPEG file

IFS Diagram Overview - PNG File

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Look at My Picture - Bid Response Spectrum

Bid Responses - PNG File

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Anatomy of a Craving.png

Estimated Dopamine Response by Activity or Substance.png

Estimated Pleasant, Natural Activities That Increase Dopamine.png

As a recovering perfectionist, I can recall many times when I chose endless revisions to an email or school paper over sanity. Through the illusion of polished prose, safeguarding my respectability drove me towards a critique-proof performance. A+++ Even today, ‘Tell me I’m good,’ and ‘Please don’t tell me I’m bad,’ still whisper. I labored with the awareness that assessment by others filled or emptied my cup. I considered framing the paper embossed with a long and thoughtful comment from an admired professor. Ephemeral proof of my existence in the world. A jab of shame interred an alternate, B+ paper, to a box in the basement, vacating any possible constructive criticism to my hopeless irredeemableness. My intelligence was fake.

Destructive Criticism

Like sunshine on a burn, I resisted all feedback for a long time. Comments, even the growth-supporting feedback of constructive criticism, became floodlights to my eyes. I heard all feedback as destructive. Though I could recall no actual occurrences, I braced myself for feedback as if it was a slap to the face: NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Academically advanced, I excelled until high school when attendance became an issue. My concerned parents were supportive. As my grades declined, the school exhaled an oft-repeated refrain: “Grades don’t reflect her ability if she’d only applied herself.” A simplified and effortless interpretation, the determination became that the smart kid ceased to perform in the only way measured: grades.

My teachers and parents made an unspoken, logical leap to I must not want to “apply myself.” Perhaps I was lazy or selfish. Other issues accumulated, developing into a full-blown school phobia — a junior high teacher‘s attempt to block my acceptance to an AP English class, my Dad’s two heart attacks in my sophomore year, languishing depression, and, being an outsider in a rich kid’s high school. Experiences filtered and distilled down by the lens of a mere academic metric. When all you assess is school performance, it becomes the only mechanism for improvement. All their ideas to help did not stick and therefore the problem had to be me.

Making the Grade

A few years later, on a walk to my college classes, a cascade of thoughts absorbed me, pivoting my views on perfectionism. Letter grades translated to adjectives, a “C” is, therefore ‘average’; the expected performance on most tasks. To carry this forward, a “B” equaled ‘above average’ and I would define “A” as ‘excellent’ — rare and precious gems. Duped by the cultural script: “more is better,” it had taught me to reach for the unattainable brass ring all this time.

The grading system in school, as in life, sets us up to rely on the subjective assessment from others as a way of knowing our own value. But this is a moving target. The rules are always changing, shifting the bar on the seesaw of outside opinion. When we rely on others, there are no constants against which to measure ourselves. Some validation is necessary for connection and social order. However, uncommon is the encouragement to reflect and build on our own appraisals. Later, as a professor, I’d understand the true, arbitrary nature of grading when I became the assessor. Successive corrections to this skew from reality lead me to accept the principle of ‘good enough.’

Failure is NOT an Option

When I propose the ‘good enough’ idea to my perfectionistic clients, the initial interpretation is that messiness is FAILURE. But I persist; we have a limited amount of time, energy and attention to devote to tasks and cannot be an expert (A+ student) in everything. Therefore, we must specialize. This specialization creates a diverse web of subject-matter experts. Priorities allow room for expertise but require that we de-emphasize other tasks to make room. If we strive for perfection, the limits of time, effort and attention will degrade singular excellence and result in overall mediocrity. I recommend the following categorical percentages: 10% excellence, 30% above average, 50% good enough, and 10% growing edge. Here’s how I prioritize my efforts (subject to revision):

Excellence (10%): Wife, Mother, Psychologist to my Clients
 Above Average (30%): Best friend duties, Household, business and administrative obligations
 Good Enough (50%): Household chores, finances, cooking, remembering things, cleaning, exercise and eating right
 Growing Edge (10%): Better care of my health, intellectual and emotional evolution, challenging and educating myself, meeting the next stage of demand in parenting

Impress Yourself

Whatever you call it — messy, good enough, failure, imperfect — seems unacceptable and chaotic at first. Given a chance, freedom and order are possible. My cup is almost always full these days and not because I’ve proven to others how awesome I am or getting a regular supply positive critiques. I made a shift; the first person to impress is myself. If my product passes my personal quality checks, I can take or leave any critique, constructive or otherwise. I trust myself and my opinion; I would read and enjoy what I wrote.

Others may have suggestions that would teach me and improve my writing. That makes sense with different writing styles and levels of experience. I welcome solicited feedback with an open mind and heart. However, I hold a healthy skepticism of others’ agendas. Most agendas are sweet, coming from a good place, and the feedback giver feels generous. Unsolicited comments more likely contain landmines. Passive aggressive agendas smuggle words as well-coded daggers laced in legitimacy. Beware of these Trojan Horses.

Useful Junk

Imperfection is already a reality for every single person. Claiming and expressing your own legitimacy, sometimes in the face of rejection, is the most difficult first step. I promise you are not alone and acceptance is there waiting for you. Perhaps imperfection is a positive and preferred state. I’d argue that we need messiness like we need a junk drawer in our house. As long you can still close the drawer, it maintains a purpose. Useful for the unsorted and uncategorized, this drawer holds odds and ends of uncertain value. It requires periodic drawer cleaning. You need resources and space to grow into things because, despite yourself, you’re always growing.

What stands between you and accepting imperfection? What does it mean to be good enough?