10 Actionable Steps to Better Self Esteem
Whether you believe it or not, you're the one in charge . Decide to take control of your life. I'll help.
You already know if your self esteem isn't where you want it. There's no shame in just owning it. There's strength in understanding and doing something about it. But it's a big concept and tough to know where to start. I've compiled a list of real life stuff to do. Pick one and focus on it. Make it habit. Master that one and move on to the next.
Thinking poorly about yourself is a habit we're going to break. You weren't born with an inner critic part. In the beginning, there was no voice criticizing you for pooping your pants. Inner critic voices are installed in childhood which also means we rehab them. We're going to gradually shift your mindset and start reinforcing new habits. Self esteem is a human right but it requires maintenance.
Change doesn't happen overnight and really, you wouldn't want it to work that way anyway. Unfortunately, this means it takes time to feel better about yourself. Keep at it. Compare how you feel today to six months ago. A year. That's how you'll be able to tell it's working. That's where your power is.
The following steps are backed by lots of research. Even if it feels fake or like it's not working, give it a few days. Get out of your own way by deciding to do one of the steps without thinking about it. Let me know your favs and what worked or didn't. If you get stuck, reach out in the comments and we'll strategize together.
1. Challenge Negative Self-Talk
The first challenge is to become aware of what you say to yourself about yourself. The running narrative or story you tell about what's happening. Just listen at first - get the theme of different kinds of voices. Get to know your feelings because they are a great source of data. Become aghast at how mean they can be. Make the decision that the inside of your head is a safe space, a comfy living room with soft lighting (or whatever relaxes you). The inside of your mind should be the best place in the world. If it's not, we keep working at it.
Once we get our heads around those voices, we can turn down the volume. As a manager part, negative self talk is a relic from childhood that developed to protect you. It's waaay outdated now but it thinks it's always right. Don't believe it. It'll tell you the most awful things and can argue for far longer than you can. It's an over reactive part - it exaggerates the risk or threat. Roll your eyes at it.
There are several ways to challenge the negative voices. Countering, soothing or ignoring.
Countering - Develop a new voice that gives you advice on how to handle the negative one. Give it a cheerleader, mentor, practical or best friend tone.
Soothing - Another new voice that tells you no matter what, you'll be okay.
Ignoring - Turn away from the negative voice. Distract yourself. Put your fingers in your ears and sing LA LA LA LA! Imagine turning down the volume on the negative voice like it's a television. Eventually, it settles down.
2. Do Hard Things
The best way to develop confidence (a building block of self esteem) is to do something new. It's hard because you've never done it before. The most fear and anxiety you'll have is before you do something because of all the unknowns. After you get in there, get a feel, it becomes more knowable. You get a feel for the territory as you get to know your way around. Tell the fear voice that you hear it and that things will get better once you're there and doing the thing.
Examples of hard things:
Take an adult education class online or at your local community college. Try woodworking or learn how to program.
Join a bowling league
Volunteer at a food bank or dog rescue
Look up a meetup group that gets together for dinner (and go).
Try to avoid perfectionism. Set a small, achievable goals and map out the smaller steps to get there. Even if it's easy, accomplishing something makes you feel good. Write down what you've done. Celebrate the wins. You deserve it.
3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Whether it's social media, television shows, or the hot person you follow on Instagram, it's not real life. There's a reason why Facebook doesn't have a relationship status for widows. That kind of stuff falls into the category of Debbie Downers and doesn't get as many likes as someone's new squeeze, baby, or house. Deep down, we all struggle with the same things.
You have a ton of info on yourself. Comparing everything about you to a summary of a few good things about someone else just isn't fair. So don't do it. Catch yourself when you fall into comparison and shut it down. Distract yourself until the urge passes. Or use it as fuel to do something different (see number two above).
4. Accept Compliments (Without Deflection)
This is the easiest thing to do but it might require some fakery. The next time someone says even the smallest nice thing about you, just say Thank you and nothing more. Don't compliment them back (unless it's genuine) and don't mutter something self deprecating. Just take it.
Then take it in. This is especially effective if it's something often said to you like you have a great smile or you're witty because you can tell yourself that multiple people think it so there must be some truth in it. But you can do it with a fresh compliment as well. Repeat what the person said in your head with a sense of wonder and curiosity. Wow, I must have a nice smile. and turn that into a statement you say to yourself. I have a nice smile! Echo it in your mind. Remind yourself of it from time to time and add new ones as they come in. Eventually, you'll accept compliments with more grace and warmth - Aw, thank you. That means a lot.
5. Take Care of Your Body
This is the only body you're going to get. Treat it like a vintage car. Gotta change the oil, replace some parts and give it a wash from time to time. It doesn't matter if you're over or underweight, never exercise or eat kids' cereal for dinner on the reg. You can do something to care for yourself physically.
The most important thing you can do for your body is sleep. As much as you can, try to go to sleep and get up at the same times each day, even on the weekends. It doesn't matter if your schedule is 11 PM to 7 AM or 3AM to 9 AM, it's the consistency that matters. That and getting enough sleep. You know how much you can get by on and how much you actually need. Don't nap unless you can do so without it messing up bedtime. Get yourself ready for bed with a routine and stick to it even when you don't wanna. Make sleep the priority if it gets messed up. It's the foundation of so many other things that it's gotta be right if you're going to be right.
If you can get yourself to move your body, that's a plus. Have a dance party in your living room while vacuuming (I can attest this is fun). Take the stairs whenever possible and park farther away from the store doors. This uses Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis or NEAT - calories burned through daily, non-aerobic movements that aren't intentional exercise. This includes stuff like walking, fidgeting, standing, cleaning, and general movement throughout the day. NEAT plays a significant role in energy expenditure and has an impact weight management and overall health.
6. Surround Yourself with People Who Respect You
I saw a meme once that said you're the summary of the people you talk to the most and the last five books you read. I'd add it's also whatever social media and videos you consume. I used to tell my kids that watching dumb Youtube videos just fills your head with cheese whiz.
If you've got toxic people in your life, this is easier said than done. But still, you can limit the impact of outside negativity by seeking out positivity. Your mind is a precious thing so feed it with good stuff. Use step #1 to filter out the outside voices first if necessary. Having negativity around you is like living in a smoky bar. You might be numb to it as a coping mechanism. Waking up and becoming aware can be painful but it's exactly this pain that motivates change. Use your new awareness powers to make small changes. It'll all add up.
7. Develop a Skill or Hobby
Everyone starts from zero when learning something new. Research shows a reciprocal link between liking something and being good at it. It makes sense - if you enjoy something, you'll keep doing and get better at it. So, if you pick a new skill, interest or hobby, it's okay if you're not awesome at it at first as long as there's something you enjoy about it. Be creative and get outside your normal box or comfort zone. It helps to have a goal or project to work towards. For instance, you might want to build a table and that motivates you to learn about wood, saws, and eventually - a rotary tool.
I have a long list of things I want to learn to do or experience. I can't do everything now because of time, money, space, etc but I'll get to it all eventually. Here's my future list of new things in no particular order:
Tap dancing
Fluent Spanish
Whittling
Make fine furniture/woodworking
Snowshoeing
Long distance hiking (like the Pacific Crest Trail)
Grow my own food
Restore mid-century modern furniture
Landscape photography and photo editing
The perfect pizza crust
8. Set Boundaries and Say No
This is a no-brainer but another one of those easier said than done things. However, it's also a domino skill - something so fundamental that if you master it, a lot of other things fall into place. For instance, maintaining boundaries automatically starts teaching others to treat you with respect. They may not do it but they'll know you expect it and that's something.
Again, the first place to start is awareness. Anger, irritation, and resentment are the most common symptoms that point to someone crossing your boundaries. It's tempting to put all the blame on the other person and believe me, I'm not letting them off the hook. Buuuut, we are not trying to change them; we're sticking with where the most power is and that's with you. You can't control others but what is within your control is how much you let it in and what you do about it.
Start with awareness and try to see patterns of behavior - yours and other people's. We are all dancing - playing out old dynamics from childhood with the hope it'll go differently this time. What I mean is people pull others into a dance that reenacts old, familiar childhood templates. For instance, imagine a child who had to deal with a domineering mother. That child becomes a domineering adult who pulls others in to play the role of helpless child. Or a child who grows up with an alcoholic parent. The adult becomes a people pleaser who is unconsciously attracted to addicts. While neither of my parents really drank, their parents (my grandparents) all drank to excess. The coping patterns (aka the dances) got passed down to me and I've either married or dated alcoholics and later, recovering (officially or otherwise) alcoholics or addicts. The first thing I think when I'm attracted to someone is what substance they've abused.
When you first start setting boundaries and saying no, the people in your life will seem surprised and try to get you to go back to dancing. That's to be expected. Also expect that you might overdo it at first. It's the pendulum swing - you'll hold tight boundaries in the beginning and eventually soften towards a sustainable middle ground. Keep the faith; you're learning. Experiment and find your way to more peace.
9. Acknowledge Your Successes
This has historically been a hard one for me. It feels like bragging. So, my advice is to keep it internal at first and don't let it go to your head. Just because you got Employee of the Month twice in 2024 doesn't entitle you to boss your coworkers around (even if they deserve it). It is pretty cool that you were seen - that you were picked out as special. Remember it and echo it in your head until it becomes believable and integrate it as part of your identity. But keep it in proper perspective - we're all special and we're all just like everyone else. Don't get stuck in one or the other for too long.
10. Act Like Someone with Good Self Esteem
Here's the secret - confidence isn't exactly a feeling but a patten of behavior. You can fake it 'til you make it to a certain degree. Try to stop judging yourself and others. If you act with confidence - for example, with the expectation of respect or that people will want to talk to you - you will feel better about interactions and more than likely, it plays out that you'll get what you expect.
Everyone deserves a baseline human treatment (unless they behave badly from the start). I extend all new people I meet a little bit of trust and grace then see what they do with it. If you use up all that good will - by say, not following through with something you said you'd do - then I'm cautious. If you break the trust, you definitely do not get any more from me. If you don't use up that good will and give a little back to me, we can start a positive, reciprocal spiral of more and more trust, grace and eventually, I'll come to love you.
What do you think of these steps? If something feels too big, either try another one or break it into bite sized chunks. That fact that you read them all is something - you're exposing your brain to healthiness. The more work you do on yourself, the more things you'll master and the wider your comfort zone will grow. Every little thing adds up to bigger things. Keep at it because you're only getting older anyway. I support you and others on the same path will too.