Note: While I’m focusing on the death of a spouse, much of what I write applies to all sorts of losses. I hope it brings you comfort no matter what.
Everyone’s Worst Nightmare
The unthinkable has happened and you’re thrust into the airless void that is new grief. Your person - there one instant and gone the next. So profound, words cannot capture the deafening, silent now in which you find yourself.
Put one foot in front of the next. In the beginning, your only job is survive.
I represent the future. I’ve walked the path you’re on and am here to offer gems that might light your way in the dark. I don’t expect you to take all this in immediately. Save these words and come back to them. They will be here when you’re ready to hear them.
Let’s begin.
The death of your partner torpedoes the structures that made up your world. You find yourself among the rubble of your old life, unsure of what to reclaim about yourself, what you can rebuild and what is gone forever. The core elements of you are still there, I promise.
Grief overwhelms and shadows the world like a thick, wool blanket. You are lost and scrambling, unsure and unable to find a way forward. You don’t need to know everything right now. There is no one way to grieve and however you’re doing it is the right way for you at this moment. Don’t worry about the future, you’ll get to everything in time.
Early Grief Alters Your Lens on Life
The first months and even years are sacred. Though you might feel alien and distant from regular human existence, this is actually a rare opportunity. You’ve been given a vast window of perception. You’re on top of the mountain and can see the much bigger picture. This is a valuable lens, allowing you to see more clearly than others. Record your thoughts in this temporary state.
People will say they can’t imagine what you’re going through and you will privately think this is absurd. Of course they could imagine it if they tried. A part of you wants them to and another part wouldn’t inflict this on anyone. It’s okay to be of two minds.
Everyone I know who is plunged into grief feels like there’s a ticking clock. That they will only be allowed to grieve for a certain time and then, magically, others will expect you to be the same as you were. But you know that this grief, your grief for this person, takes it’s own route. Walks its own timeline. You are at it’s mercy but not without power. You can step up and deal with what grief presents to you. Use avoidance sparingly and with purpose. Try to keep staring it in the face.
Human Connection After Profound Loss
You will meet new people who never knew you “before” and this will astonish you. You are in the process of rapidly shaping and becoming the next version of you. The old life is gone. You are forced to close that chapter. Know that the essential parts of you are still there and are just shifting like techtonic plates.
These new friendships and relationships are only possible because your person died. You would have never met these lovely people otherwise. You won’t know how to metabolize this at first but as one of my new friends keeps saying - “Live the question.” Just live alongside these mysteries as they take shape.
Slowly, perhaps reluctantly, you will come down off the mountain and rejoin the human race. You may even get caught up in it again. Try to remember that you once lived only in the big picture. It will help you stay true to what really matters.
Feel Whatever You Feel
Nothing is off limits. Cry when you need to and laugh without guilt. Grief is work and replenish yourself with small comforts or pleasures. This is the fuel that will keep you going. Listen to calming classical music or old jazz greats. Aim to find peace - nature is a good place to start. Take a walk by yourself, preferably somewhere green.
Accept whatever relief or soothing comes your way. Think of these as the consolation prizes of grief. You’re going through a lot and you might as well take the good from what’s there. Accept hugs you wouldn’t have before. Opt for quiet over noise. Try to be still at least some of the time.
The natural rhythm of grief will make you look back and look forward. At first, looking back may be all you do and that’s okay. Life continues so you might as well see what might be in store for you. The balance will shift over time until you are looking forward more and back less. This is how it’s supposed to be.
The River of Time and Memory’s Strange Fidelity
Go ahead and accept that memories fade over time. There’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t worry, they never truly leave your grasp - instead they condense for storage and the right cue will pull them up into your consciousness like it was yesterday. This is normal and natural.
Still, write down what you remember now about your life and person. This is not so much for preservation but for honoring your inner archive. At some point, you may find this index useful and delightful. You will find compassion for your past self this way.
Use up all the smell from your person’s clothes and other items now. Scent evaporates far too quickly and within months, all laundry just smells dirty. You will not forget their scent as it is filed away with everything else. You will find that your person becomes woven into the fabric of who you are. You carry them with you as you walk through the world and they sense through your motions and see through your eyes. Remember this when you feel alone because it’s just not true. The dead linger in our minds and you can figure out how to rejoin the connecting thread.
The Slow Rebuilding of Your Life
Your capacity for processing starts small and builds back over time. Process only what you have space for but still push forward in tiny increments. Look a little longer each time at the painful thing and you will reclaim territory in your head. This means getting outside your comfort zone a little at a time. Touch the pain and pull back, over and over.
The bond with your person continues but you must foster it. Talk to them like you would before. Ask for their love and comfort. I’ll let you in on a secret - when I can’t find something, I ask aloud for help from my dead wife and dead dad. I don’t care if it’s me finding the thing or them guiding me to it. It feels good to ask for their help.
At some point, you must pack up or donate their stuff. Their clothes can’t haunt the closet forever. Start by bagging up the items they hadn’t worn in a while because you won’t miss it. Move the bags to the front door. Then to the car. Finally, take the plung and donate them. Don’t worry, you won’t be deluged by people suddenly wearing your dead person’s clothes around town.
Save everything at first. Worst case scenario is you end up storing or hauling a bunch of stuff. Periodically, go back through it and prune anything that’s losing sentimentality. Over time, the memories will loosen their grip and release you from the heaviness of belongings. It’s just stuff, after all. Even the loss of all of their stuff couldn’t dislodge them from inside your heart.
The Emergence of New Meaning
The identity that threaded through you before - married, homebody, family life - is selectively deleted. The threads loosened, you find yourself in a state of flux. Who are you now? Your familiar, innate sense of meaning and purpose is lost with that old life. You may not have even realized how tangled up it was until now.
We can’t decide what’s meaningful and force it into being. It just doesn’t work that way. Instead, we must open ourselves to discovering it. Meaning and purpose arise as themes in your life. It comes to you intuitively and instead of creating it, we must allow it to unfold within us. Whatever comes may surprise you because you are becoming a new person.
New freedoms present themselves to you. Do you have to stay in the same career? Could you move to a foreign land? Could you shed the old, limiting ways of thinking about yourself? Some freedoms are welcome and some are uncomfortable. Keep an open mind, embrace it all and sort it out later.
Live Without Getting Stuck
After your person dies, it’s up to you to continue the relationship. Talk to them. Looks for signs - heck, decide something is a sign and let it buoy you. Who cares if it’s really true or not if it provides a modicum of comfort. Lean on this as long as it works. You won’t be a woo woo weirdo forever.
Let others have their grief without competition. Grief is a private, precious feeling. Imagine your person as a gem and the people in their life as facets. You each had a separate, specific relationship with the person who died. The intensity of grief is proportionate to the intensity of love you shared but everyone does it differently. Hopefully, many others loved your person too. There is space for everyone’s grief and another’s sorrow does not negate yours.
Honor the principles and wishes of your person as you are able but realize they are stuck in time. You may know how they thought of the world - of politics or policies - but they don’t know the world now. They may have raised little kids but can’t weigh in on raising teenagers. Stay flexible and develop your own opinions and ideas.
The Complicated Human Truth of Love After Loss
It’s a crazy thing but you can love two people in your head at one time. But being “in love” is complicated. It requires mutual investment to keep it going - a hard task when you’re dead. Give yourself at least two years of solid grieving before putting yourself back out there. Trust me, the person you’d choose early is not the person you’ll choose once you’ve got some healing under your belt.
You may find someone who is a better match for you and that will be great. This is not a betrayal - it’s growth. It makes sense that as you grow, you’ll get better at picking good people. Choose someone who isn’t threatened by ghosts. It’s absurd to be jealous of the dead. Your person threads through your history and memories. To talk about yourself will naturally include sharing memories of your person. The new love must understand and accept this.
New love doesn’t replace the old - it continues it. Love is the through-line for everything in life. All the love you’ve lived carries forward, becoming fertile ground for new love to take root. Relationships teach us about love. Every relationship is co-constructed and unique. In this next chapter, you’re going to learn new stuff - probably stuff you couldn’t have learned with your deceased partner. It’s just different now. And different can be better.
Grief on the Timeline of Life
Think of your life as a long timeline of events. Look back on your childhood and notice the distance. At some point, this period of grieving will have the same perspective. It looks this way because your life stretches on. There’s a difference between living through it day to day and having lived through it. Your person, and the loss of them, is a permenent part of your timeline. But you are in the process of creating more life, more history. In time, you’ll gain greater perspective and when you look back, you find sweetness too.
You are not broken. This is an experience that life school is putting your through. You could not have chosen it but there is so much you’ll get from it. It’s not a fair trade but the point is to learn something. You’ll surprise yourself with how resilient you become. Consider that in the end, we are all restored. The core of you cannot be damaged as it is, and always will be, pristine and perfect. By just surviving, you’re growing. Don’t worry too much about this - it’ll make more sense later. Just keep the faith that there is a point to this pain.
Trust Steps Along the Path
You don’t have to understand right now. Trust yourself. You’re doing the best you can and that’s enough. Trust that all the rumble reorganizes itself and forms a new life. You will not feel this crazy forever - even if you do nothing.
You are already finding a way to carry this heaviest of nightmares. Even though it feels like you’re spinning in space, you are finding your way back to meaning and purpose. Your beloved had to leave the party early. Deep grief makes you a party pooper for a while that will pass. As long as you’re still here, you might as well get the spoils - the silver lining, the consolation prizes and all the strength and resilence that’s coming to you.
Healing is not betrayal. Grief clouds the connection with your person like static on the radio. Working through it, feeling your way, declutters your mind. Grief has phases and deep grief is meant to be temporary. At some point, the signal becomes clear and it’s easier to feel the love you once shared.
You are creating a new theory of grief at this very moment. It might not matches stages or have set feelings to get through. During this sacred time, it’s easier to think outside the box so I encourage you to contemplate new ideas. Keep living. It’s a badge of honor and you’ve earned it. Welcome to the new widows club - we hate that you’re here but we’re glad to have you.
The most I ever did for you, was to outlive you,
But that is much.
Edna St. Vincent Millay, from “At least, my dear,” (untitled poem), in Mine the Harvest, ed. Norma Millay (New York: Harper & Brothers, 1954).
Nice to see you back
So much wisdom in this, Laura!