The Control Paradox
If they’d just listen to you, you’ll feel better.
My partner is stubborn as a mule. Tenacious, headstrong, relentless - her own person. Most of the time, I admire these qualities in her. However, when she outright rejects my suggestions, I want to strangle her.
After shoulder surgery a year ago, my partner still has pain in her arm, especially when she over exerts herself, which is often, as you might imagine. She steadfastly refuses all medicinal pain relief unless it’s dire. Instead, she makes these little painful “ouffffs” when shifting positions on the couch. It drives me bonkers.
Why won’t she just take some Tylenol? Why does she over use her shoulder instead of asking me? I can’t help but analyze her and, let me tell you, I’ve come up with all sorts of stories. My brain is an excellent fiction writer under stress. I think she struggles to accept she can’t do things anymore. She’s too prideful to ask for help. I could write a dissertation but this essay isn’t about her; it’s about me. Me and my control issues. What is it I’m really trying to control?
The Lie: Control Pretends to Be Practical
From the outside, I seem like a caring and helpful partner. I don’t want her to suffer and would do anything to relieve her pain. I’m empathic and, because we can be your stereotypical codependent lesbians, her pain is my pain. And I want to relieve my pain.
If I could only get her feeling better, I too, would feel better. Taking a pain reliever is the most straightforward path, right? I could challenge her, cutting to the heart of the problem with my gloriously insightful theories about why she won’t take meds and what she should do differently. But you already know how that would turn out.
Control Isn’t About Power — It’s About Relief
The hidden message in control is: I don’t know how to tolerate the feelings your behavior brings up in me.
Turning inward, I have to ask myself why I want her to take meds for her pain when she doesn’t. The first answer is because I want her to feel better. But why? I want her to feel better so I’ll feel better. But why? I want to stop feeling anxious, uncomfortable, and insecure about not doing enough for her. Ah, there it is; by relieving her pain, I’m attempting to manage my own reactive feelings. I have to understand myself first.
The Emotional Mechanics of Control
The urge to control follows a predictable path:
Trigger or Cue - Something unpredictable or out of my scope of control occurs.
Threat Appraisal - My nervous system labels it as a problem or threat and reacts accordingly.
Emotional Activation - Helplessness, fear, anxiety, and shame bubble up from the depths.
External Control Attempt - Old coping mechanisms kick in, focused on solving or suppressing the problem so I can calm down.
Temporary Relief - Getting her to take meds is a bandaid as it only deals with the surface problem.
Essentially, this is a coping loop. Less sophisticated because it tackles the symptom but ignores the root. Even if I got her to take meds every single time, we’re only skimming the surface of the issue. My issue.
Controlling Others Fails Every Time (Even when they do what you want)
No one likes being controlled. Even the most dependent person exercises choice. Bending someone to your will is a recipe for future resentment. The world is full of unpredictability and while I may be right in predicting she’ll be in worse pain if she bullheadedly lifts that heavy thing without me, she’s going to do what she wants every time.
Let’s say she complies with my requests and caves to what I want every time. Maybe it’s just easier for her to give in than fight me. I may have triumphed but at the expensive of a fissure in our relationship. Instead of being herself, she’s shaping to be whatever she thinks I want. Instead of a fully formed person, I get a false self. Can I really trust this facade when she says she loves me? Nope. I must allow her to be her true, obstinate self if I want to believe her.
The Breakthrough Question
I am working to change my story. Instead of reacting with How do I get her to stop?, I’m turning inward and asking: What am I trying to control within myself? or What am I trying not to feel right now?
I run through the list of potential emotions I don’t want to feel:
Anxiety
Fear
Rejection
Abandonment
Vulnerability
Powerlessness
Shame
Probably all of the above in some form. Figuring this out is the first part in self soothing. It tamps down the urgency to control. But understanding it isn’t enough. I’ve got to change my story about what’s happening.
The Shift: Pulling Your Energy Inward
Leaving your energy outside of you by tuning into to others gives you a false sense of control. You know what I’m talking about - the spidey sense that keeps tabs on others’ moods. It feels safe, like you’re managing things. But there’s too much room for error. For instance, your person is in a bad mood from work but you don’t yet know this. Picking up on their grumpy energy, your first guess is that you’ve done something to upset them. Wrong! Even if you ask them what’s wrong and they tell you, there’s going to be a small part of you that doubts them. You’ll actually be safe and get more accurate data by tuning into yourself. You have more power to do something about your feelings. At first, it feels too risky to take your eye off the ball but just try it.
Pulling your energy inward to tune into yourself means tuning out other people - turning off the spidey sense. Try it right now. Can you tell what you’re feeling? Determine some feelings and ask yourself why they might make sense. When I stop giving attention to what’s happening with my partner and ask myself what’s wrong, I can tell I’m feeling anxious. I’m afraid that if I leave her in pain, I’m being a self-centered, cold person who abandons people. She’ll realize this and get the ick. Ultimately, it all comes back to abandonment issues because I’m too much. Can’t let that happen so I kick into compulsive helping overdrive.
Seems dramatic, right? So I pause and I let myself listen to the inner kid part. My inner kid should win an Oscar. She’s chicken little, wailing her spiel about the sky falling. When I listen to her, I enter an irrational space that believably predicts the worst. It’s like smelling something stinky. I take a whiff then get out before I’m stuck. I only need enough information to take care of whatever that part needs. You don’t have to keep smelling the dog poop to clean it up. Getting the gist of how she feels gives me new info: when my partner is in pain, the little girl fears abandonment if she doesn’t fix it immediately. Old childhood wounds reacting to an adult situation.
See the Situation Clearly
Regulating myself lets me see my partner clearly instead of through the haze of fear and anxiety. Pulling my energy inward allows me to clean up my side of the street. I’m really good at taking care of my little girl’s needs so I’m glossing over how I do it - that could be a whole other essay. Don’t worry if you don’t know what to do at first; you’re getting somewhere from just looking inward.
With my own emotions in check, I can let go of what my partner is doing or not doing. She knows my standing opinion and is aware that I’m available to help. I’ve expressed my warmth and compassionate desire to ease her pain. She knows she can choose meds at any time and that I’d happily get them for her. I can always push it if necessary. But for now, she knows I’m here and it’s her body anyways.
Benefits of Letting Go of Controlling Others
Staying within your scope of control and letting go of everything else is stable. Shifting your response from frantic to peaceful gives you a default place to return. Defensiveness and conflict immediately decrease. My partner begins to trusts my judgment and is more likely to tell me what’s going on with her. As exterior control decreases, often influence increases. When I’m not pushing my agenda, she’s more willing to hear me out. She’s more likely to try my idea if I’m not invested in getting my way.
Do the Work
Wanting to control a situation isn’t a bad thing, it’s a signal that some part of you needs soothing. These parts as well as your nervous system are on your side. Learn to read the internal signals and address the needs only you can meet. It’ll make you a better partner and give you the confidence that you can take care of yourself. You can’t forcibly “let go” but in doing the inner work, you’ll realize it already happening. Refocusing on yourself frees up a ton of extra energy. Real control has a small but mighty scope - control of your mind. Ask what’s within your control (p.s. it’s you and stories you tell) and let the rest of the world happen.
Self-regulation is the real superpower. While the world remains unpredictable, trust in yourself is solid. Once you grasp this, the sky stops falling.
This is so good I saved it, because I’m going to want to ready it multiple times!
I found this so insightful, thank you.