The Risk of Taking Up Space
You know you can but why does it feel so risky?
When you say what you really think - when you’re more authentic and true to yourself, it’s risky. You’re open and vulnerable and it’s easier to hurt you. Your mind scrambles to protect you, predicting rejection, emotional distance or at worst, abandonment.
Taking up space is a change. We’re disrupting the delicate balance in the relationship. It’s a sort of identity shift - you are no longer as small as you appeared to others to be. Maybe it’s a new hobby or going back to school. Maybe you want to lose weight but your spouse wants to be a couch potato. What if this new thing isn’t acknowledged and accepted?
We’re accustomed to thinking of ourselves in particular ways: I can’t do conflict. I’m not athletic. My opinion isn’t important. If I say what I really think, it’ll start a fight. Fighting means I’ll ultimately lose. What’s the point?
Like everyone, I’ve struggled with this sort of thing my whole life. It’s not just the voices in our heads (or our IFS parts) but a belief system that’s stuck - collections of beliefs that feel like Truth. My biggest struggle is feeling worth less. Not worthless, just worth less than others. This means I should expect my opinion holds less weight, my needs are less important than those of others, and ultimately, no one is listening to me. I’ve worked on this in my own therapy, tried EMDR, and journaled in miles of text. I can’t yet shake this belief.
Beliefs aren’t facts; they just feel that way. Beliving I am worth less is a habit. It’s one of those old voices trying to protect me. But this kind of protection is like water wings on an adult - if I can’t swim, I’ll drown. I am chipping away at this belief. I know these old voices are outdated and their method of protection limits me. They get in the way. It’s time to shake things up.
Taking Up Space Safely
Let’s start with a new belief: You are worth as much as much anyone else. All humans are alloted a set amount of space and you’re probably not taking up all that’s already yours. We have to challenge the status quo we agreed to way back then. It’s the worth less belief for me but it might be something different for you. Whatever it is, challenge yourself to think outside of this box. Maybe it’s not even true?
Whatever threat you anticipate probably isn’t nearly as devastating as you might expect. Life experience says it can go differently now. Maybe conflict isn’t required to be heard. I don’t have to fight to have my opinions taking seriously. The people in my life now care about what I think.
What freedoms would I explore if I was worth just as much as everyone else? I could try a sport and enjoy it. Lose weight and find my loveableness. And just maybe, I’ve learned enough in life to have an informed opinion about something.
Or how about this new belief - everyone has something to teach others, including you. If you believe you can learn from everything, it opens a new door in your mind. A child, the new assistant, or someone with no experience in a craft - there are insights in everyone. In Zen Buddhism, there’s the concept of a beginner’s mind.
“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the
expert’s mind there are few.” - Suzuki RoshiBeginner’s mind focuses on the importance of approaching life with an open, curious, and non-judgmental mindset, free from preconceptions. Adopting this belief means you’re included - you also have something to teach others.
It’s time to let go of rigid thinking and see each new experience with fresh eyes, full of potential. It doesn’t matter how old or wise someone is, they can still learn. You surely have lots to learn and plenty valuable things to teach others. Trust me.
Now we apply it. Taking up space is risky because we’re asking someone to take us seriously. It’s a request to stop what the person is doing and listen to you. And probably most importantly - to manage their own reactions. But how do you know if you’re taking up too much space?
Figuring It Out
You’re going to have to experiment. Start with taking small steps outside your comfort zone. Try something new and see what happens - express an opinion, turn down an invitation, disagree over something minor. Anything - just stretch a little. Each time you do this, you take up a little more space. Over time, you gain territory and confidence. At some point, you may overstep. That’s okay because it just means you’ve found a boundary. If you go slowly, you’ll only. overstep a little. That’s easily fixable with a short apology.
Use logic and reason to figure out how much space the typical person can expect. For instance, in a particular situation, is it generally okay to have a preference? We’re all going to dinner and someone suggests a steakhouse but you’re broke and vegetarian. Is it okay to suggest a different restaurant? (Of course it is.)
Then work on awareness. Watch yourself without acting. Catch that instinct to hide. Sometimes I feel a pull to make myself smaller. I feel that internal squeeze that tells me to stay quiet, go along with something, or twist myself into a pretzel to maintain a relationship. I’ve become aware enough to spot it. I have to go against the grain and give myself options. I can decide not to say anything, say a little something, or go all in and say exactly what I think. I can make a deliberate decision based on current factors. I still have the choice to stay quiet but the difference is I’ve chosen this option. I’ve empowered myself to handle how I see fit.
Experiments with Space
My experiments have born fruit. As a result, my relationships grow like Spring flowers. This is healthy. Turns out, my close peeps really do want to know what’s on my mind - even if they don’t agree or it asks something of them. In order for this to work, you’ve got to practice giving space to others as well. If we’re going to ask them to work on their reactions, we have to be willing to do the same. Pay attention to the parts that have a knee-jerk reaction and manage them. Don’t say the first thing that springs to mind. I know, it’s a lot, but I promise you’ll get the hang of it.
Try Disagreeing with your Therapist
With permission from a client to share, below is my response to an email I received after a disagreement in session. My client felt distance between us and was worried. At the risk of further perceived damage, he decided to say he was mad at me. I’m so glad he did. This is part of therapy that has real life impact. In my response below, I take him seriously. In our little relationship lab, we’re changing old beliefs with new experiences:
“Thank you for writing me and telling me more about what’s going on in your mind. I want to share a story with you that I hope will help you see how you will likely never lose my trust in you or our relationship. I say “never likely” because there ARE things you could do to lose my trust: actively deceive me with something big, hurt my children or loved ones in some way, or spread a malicious lie about me.
This leads me to my story. I have a voice in my head that tells me the world is unsafe and that my relationships are tenuous. I shared a bit about this with a family member and he gave me something concrete to hang on. Basically, he said that I’d have to actively be an asshole - for at least three months with no remorse - for the family to even start to question things. Surely I’d know I was being an asshole for at least three months. I’d have warning and could do something about it. He was sure I’d catch it in plenty of time.
I have held onto that conversation. It’s a fortifying wall between whatever destructively dark force in me that threatens sabotage connections and it encourages me to trust in the love that’s there for me. When I feel that fear now, it’s a signal to comfort myself, reassuring that the rug will not be pulled out from under me this time.
I’m telling you this story so you know both that’s I’ve struggled with the same things and how my own work fortifies how I think of our relationship. My hope is that you take the same comfort with us. You’d have to be a major asshole, for a long time - which does not come naturally to you - to break our bond. I’m guessing that goes for other bonds you have as well. They are stronger and more resilient than you think.”
Taking Up Space
These experiments, whether they go well or not, still teach us the outlines of appropriate space. Coming up against a boundary feels bad but there’s information in it. Even if you express an opinion that causes a fight, you’re still getting insight. After you’ve tried this out for a little bit, stop and look back. Are things different than they were six months ago? A year? How would your younger self have handled something? Give yourself a pat on the back when you feel stronger. You deserve it.
This hits home for me right now. Thanks for sharing this insight!
Marginalization and intersectionality definitely came into play for me ...always over delivering, always bargaining for my place at the table. I put a full stop to that a couple years ago and I am enjoying taking up space.