Unfortunately, Your Nervous System Is Trying Its Best
Become predictable - because patterns don’t break themselves.
Patterns are efficient. Your nervous system loves them. It will happily walk you into the same emotional pothole ten thousand times because brains are lazy and change is work.
Everyone has a “hole in the sidewalk”—a pattern they fall into over and over again. Maybe you call it bad luck, bad judgment, trauma, chemistry, destiny, or just “my type.” It feels personal, but it’s actually predictable.
Change doesn’t start with doing anything differently. It starts with noticing the pattern, naming it, and understanding why your nervous system keeps dragging you back. In grad school, we were challenged to come up with our theory of change. It’s not as easy as you think. Try it - how do you think we change? Is it something we can do or must we simply wait for it to happen?
Portia Nelson’s poem, Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, is a succinctly, brilliant theory of change. Passed around in 12 step circles, it’s a map to figuring out where you are and where you’re going.
This is a lovely metaphor for therapy. We get our heads around a problem, see it for what it is, experiment with new ideas, and finally, do something different. While we don’t control the rate of change, we can influence the process by putting together the pieces and developing insight. You don’t have to go to therapy for this but working with a guide makes it go faster.
Some examples may help. Let’s look at toxic relationships, addiction, and writer’s block. You may relate to all or none but I promise, you’ll relate to the dynamic in some way. It requires that you step back and look at the situation from a distance. Put on your nonjudgmental hat and see it as components.
The Fantasy Loop - Toxic Relationships
You’re walking down the street when the love bomb hits. She’s everything you always wanted in one person. It’s almost too good to be true. You’ve fallen hard and fast.
This time, it really is true love and it’s bliss for a while. Inevitably, a cold front breezes in and you can’t do anything right. You give in to stop the fight, things go back to normal and you sweep it under the carpet.
The push pull begins. You used to feel wanted but now you work for her love. Getting back in her good graces is hit or miss. This relationship isn’t healthy but you love her so much.
Another argument but this time, you don’t take the bait. You resist that same dysfunctional dance and it just pisses her off. You’re the only one changing. There’s a tipping point and you can’t do it anymore. It’s sad but you tried to make it work.
The Coping Loop - Alcohol, Weed, and Dope Drugs
The first time brings relief. You can finally relax, be social, and let go of your problems for a little while. It feels normal - is this how everyone else feels all the time? It’s fun and the party’s just starting.
You go harder than your friends but it’s still okay. A joke, really. You get a nickname - Hot Mess, Blackout Bob, Strung Out Sally - but it’s cool. Besides, look at all the friends you’ve made! You reassure your worried family that you’ve got it under control.
Moderation is the key. You only use on the weekends or no day drinking. It works for a while until you crash and wonder if you’ve got a problem. Using is better than real life. You need that escape and begin using at home by yourself. It’s never enough and you chase a high that’s always just out of reach. You need this; it’s your best friend.
It’s out of control. You admit it to yourself but don’t know what to do. You walk past your old hangout and that night, dream about using and wake up momentarily high. The losses add up - friends, job, health, school and even family drift away. Things are really bad and it’s your fault. You’ll do whatever it takes to stop.
You’re open to new suggestions. You no longer walk past your old bar. Don’t hang with using friends. Your mind clears and you wake up refreshed. It’s the hardest thing you’ve done but you’re determined to make this stick.
The Stuck Loop - Writer’s Block and Everything Else
When writing goes well, you love it. You secretly want to write a best seller. Laptop open to a fresh doc, you stare at the blank screen as doubt whispers in your ear. You’re a shitty writer. No one cares about your little story. You give up.
Changing the scenery, you go to a coffee shop to write. You’ve got an idea for a plot change. Your readers will love it. Excited and caffeinated, you bang out a few paragraphs then run into the brick wall. This is crap. What are you even doing? Your fingers hover over the keyboard before closing your laptop in defeat.
Back with a new attitude, you decided you’ll outwit the self doubt gremlin. As you start writing, the voice kicks up but you brush it aside and push through. You get some writing done but don’t feel good about it. Ignoring the voice wears on you. You should be writing more. Maybe you need a deadline. You can’t find the flow but don’t know what else to try.
You start a new project and decide you don’t care about the nagging voice. You struggle to write something people will like but it’s not interesting to you. You’re not proud but at least it’s finished.
Surrender. You give up writing for other people and indulge in your pet topic. It flows freely. You’re not sure anyone else will like it but you do. It’s gratifying to impress yourself.
Finally, you write for yourself first and blur out what others think. You counter self doubt with a cheerleading voice. Words flow for an audience of one.
Big Picture - What Can We Learn from It?
Try to pick out the major themes in each of these. What does each truly want? How do they get off track? What’s the turning point for each? What lesson can you apply to yourself?
Can you relate? We all want to feel comfortable, competent, and accepted. We are far more similar than we want to admit. When down, we want to get ourselves feeling better. It’s okay to want to feel normal, calm and steady. How you do it can lead you off the path.
Aiming for something and getting stuck is worth unpacking. Choices you make along the way have unforeseen consequences. Are you choosing short term gain for long term pain? Unless you’re able to reflect on how you got somewhere and (eventually) accept the reality of what is, you’re doomed to stay on the merry-go-round.
Here’s my theory of change: Something feels off or bad. Start with awareness - look inward and observe yourself and the situation without judgment. Can you make out repeated patterns? Experiment by responding differently and see what happens. Take up more space and try more bold responses. Align thoughts and actions to the kind of person you want to be. Take the healthiest path and you’ll love who you’re becoming. Repeat perdiodically on other patterns. Look back at your growth and give yourself credit.
We grow in spirals - use the power and influence you actually have to change yourself instead of waiting for the world. It won’t happen overnight but pretty soon, you’ll look back on the last month, the last year and realize you’re shaping the future. Change starts when you stop fixing the hole and start choosing another street. Anyone can do it, including you. What are you waiting for?
A few years ago I began a piece of writing that was outside the kind of work I’d done in the past. I wasn’t sure exactly why I was writing the story but as I wrote it I became completely engrossed in the characters. Only much later did I realize that I was those characters. They taught me what I wanted and needed in another person, and most importantly why that was. I’d always made the same bad choices in romantic partners over and over again. That piece of writing set me on a new path. There are valid reasons I need a particular type of person but now I’m able to look beyond the surface of who someone pretends to be and tell the difference between the real and the fake. It’s made all the difference for me. So strange and fortuitous that a piece of writing I’d made no conscience effort in the beginning to create would reveal things about myself I’d never understood before. I consider myself blessed.