What story do you tell about yourself?

What story do you carry around about yourself? Is it a good one?

In the absence of information, we all make up details. It’s a way of making sense of the world and creating order out of chaos. Normal, human, mostly adaptive. But like all coping skills, if we rely on it too much, it starts to skew the facts and loses its original purpose.

Have you ever considered the story you tell about yourself or others? Not just the story you tell to others about yourself. That’s a whole other enchilada. I’m talking about the internal narrative chatter, constantly running in the background, determining who and how you are in the world.

Virus of Voice

We aren’t born with a voice in our head that tells us about ourselves. It’s installed later — by the environment we’re born into: parents, siblings, teachers, religion, culture, society, government. We’re influenced by our family history, region, and the time we’re born into. For instance, a young tall boy from the United States may be groomed to be a basketball player while a young, tall Tibetan boy may be groomed to be the next Dalai Lama. Those same boys may have doubts, fears, and anxieties that cloud their potential. Each may secretly tell themselves, “People say you’re great but they don’t really mean it.” Or if they are nurtured well enough, they may have another voice that responds with, “If I keep working, I’ll get better.”

Adults tell themselves stories about themselves and others all the time. Even the most healthy people have voices inside them that Brené Brown terms ‘shame gremlins’ that undermine confidence and erode self esteem.

Rolls Off the Tongue

Sometimes it’s in sentences like, “I keep trying to work it out with my wife but it’s never good enough.” More often it’s in phrases — ‘stupid’ or ‘such an idiot’ - then feeling guilty or shameful. Most adults don’t even realize this is happening or just how mean they are to themselves. They would never dream of saying these things to another person.

Decorating the Inside of Your Head

We may also say good things about ourselves from time to time. That can be complicated as steering away from reality goes back to that concept of being out of balance. But the story adds up either way: it is a summary of all the things you say about yourself to yourself. I’ll ask you this question: is the inside of your head a comfortable and safe place to be? Many contributed to your story in the past but now, you are both the editor and the head writer.